Back home there's pretty much countryside as far as the eye can see, which, when I've got my glasses on, is very far indeed. So when I'm home I like to go for ridiculously long walks to nowhere in particular, with no certain destination in my head, just the knowledge that I'm gonna go somewhere and that when i get home my mum will berate me as to where I've been =]
I like to call these walks 'Wanders'.
For the first week I was here I confused pretty much everyone in my house by disappearing for at least an hour a day, declaring I was going on a wander and that I would be back soon. Of course, I naturally assumed they understood what a wander was simply because if you said to someone in Beccles "I'm just gonna go wander for a bit", they'd probably say something like "alrite my lovely, you take care now as you go".
It wasn't until Charlotte stopped me one day and said "What do you actually do when you go out on these walks?" that i realised they had no clue what i was doing.
But yeah, I like to walk a lot and I try to go for about 2-3 wanders a week, cos they're bloody good at keeping your head clear =]
Tonight I desperately needed a wander! My head was swimming with information and worries and thoughts that I just didn't need in there, so I grabbed my MP3 player, wrapped up warm, told the girlies what I was up to (I still don't think they get it! I said "I'm going for a wander" and they asked "where?" to which I replied "I dunno..places..." and they sounded confused!) and I strode out into the dark.
I walked down parkwood path, and was going to carry on straight but simply decided to go down the path to Keynes. As I got closer to Keynes "Fix You" by Coldplay came on my MP3, and I started wondering about how I'd always wanted to start running when the guitar kicks in fully half-way through the song- if you know the song you'll know which bit I mean. and then I realised...well, why don't you??It's 7:00pm on a Monday night, and you're by yourself, listening to the song...why not?
So I did =]
I ran all the way through Keynes, across the road, past the venue and stopped outside of the Rutherford accommodation area- FULL PELT. It was incredible- I flew!!I've never run so fast in my life, I just let everything go and I just ran and ran, and it felt so good just to keep running, let everything go. It didn't matter that my hair was looking particularly mental and Tina Turner-esque, or that my coat was far too heavy and lumpy to be running in, or that I look like a backwards frog when I run, it just felt amazing. It wasn't until I stopped and began to recognise where I was that I realised I had taken myself somewhere I have been meaning to go since I first discovered it on week 3...
On the field outside Rutherford and just before Tyler court is a very small tree, that looks far too old for the buildings that surround it. It was green the last time i saw it but tonight it was completely bare- but still beautiful. Underneath the tree is a small bench, with the most amazing view of Canterbury on campus- a direct look onto the cathedral, with the trees and houses leading to it lit up like a pathway. I had found this bench of my 3rd week and had promised myself at some point before i left i would either watch the sun come up, sitting there under that tiny tree, or simply bask in the sight of Canterbury lit up at night. And, inadvertently, on the night when i had needed it most, i had done just that.
It was stunning.
As I sat back on my bench, drinking in the view and marvelling at how people were just walking past without stopping i committed a terrible wandering sin- i started to think. And as i thought memories and feelings, good and bad, of my time here so far began to filter through, and before long everything that had happened to me, every memory that i held close or tried to keep away, every feeling that had been experienced was in front of me. I let my head lie back against the cold, wooden bench and looked up at the sky. It was every colour except the one black you would expect; orange and purple and grey, the colours swirling with the glitter of the stars, like a huge decoration.
And whilst the good experiences stayed with me, stuck and held infinitely in my mind like the many stars that erupted above my head in the night's sky, whilst the good feelings shone and reflected in the mirrors of my mind, it was the bad experiences that grew softer and further away, like the wisps of cloud that had once filled my vision and were now evading my sight, gently carried from my mind by the winter breeze.
And for the first time in a very long time my head felt clear. And as i looked down on the glowing cathedral and took in the trees and their shadows, it became very clear to me why i had fallen in love with Canterbury so quickly and easily- it put me at ease. Like the sight of the marshes back home on the hill behind the church , misting over as the evening drew to a close, or the giant tree that, when you sat on the old metal bench that had grown into it and looked up at from underneath, filled up the sky in the park where we used to walk our dog Sam.
That's why it felt like home- for that moment, at least, it was.
I didn't go back to the house for a very long time after that. I sat on the bench until my face went numb, and even then i walked the long way back. When i opened the door to my house, and then to my room, i was asked by Zoe "Where did you go tonight?" and i answered "No where in particular", even though i knew i was lying.
Because deep down I knew that the real answer to "Where did you go tonight?" was infact;
"Home...for a little bit..."
sorry if this is a bit long, i just needed to say it =]
mucho lovo
xxxxxxx
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