Wednesday 28 July 2010

Nostalgia...

Here's a panoramic view of my bedroom, First Year, living in No.8 B Marley Court. Enjoy. And marvel- it was friggin' SWEET.


(Objects of note: BTTF poster; List of dates of Muse's 'The Resistance Tour' at O2 Arena that I went to in November '09; A passport picture where I am boss-eyed)


(O.O.N; Millenium falcon that lights up; Ball-ball bought for me by Charlotte at christmas; Doctor Who Flannel; the 'Origami Armi'; 3D Disco card; Letters from home; Jaws poster Claire kissed whilst drunk; Ring of fire rules)


(O.O.N; Dark Knight poster; Guiiitaaaar; Empty Yazoo banana milkshake bottle; T-Shirt from Hariz's Graffitti Party; beloved Zorro Canvas; Picture of Wham! covered by a to- do list)


(O.O.N; Yellow dressing gown; drunken note that reads 'PHONE ALEX WHEN YOU WAKE UP''; variously drawn, cut-out and coloured decorations; Hand-drawn picture of bumblebee- still the best thing i've ever drawn; Revision posters; talcum powder. mmm.)


(O.O.N; Birthday cards; birthday banner; Mirrorrrr; Postie Sun Hat my dad gave me; Carpet cleaner; Dick the Gnome; Frog pyjama bottoms)


(O.O.N; Collage Bethany made me when i left home; Make up box; discarded plates; suggestions of Twilight series fan-girl tendencies; Transformers poster; Indiana Jones poster; Quantum of Solace poster with Ted mask from 'Ted's party without Ted' night)

(O.O.N; Muse Poster; Family photos; Lovely comfy pillows...)

xXx

Monday 26 July 2010

Losing things.

From the age of 13- 18 i was under the assumption that friends last for life. I had connected with people around me, one of them so much so we had visions of us sitting together in an retirement home laughing and joking and growing old.

If University has taught me one thing it's that things change; and yet, it still hurts me a lot that, today i had to forget the people who i spent over 5 years thinking were the best friends i would ever come across. People i could really see as the best people to surround myself with , who would help and comfort me when i needed it. Who would be there. Forgetting any relationship is never easy, but forgetting friendship's is one of the hardest things to do.

The memories i have and the moments from the past aren't meaningless- i look back and laugh at what happened rather than cry at what's lost. But what happened to change it so that those moments suddenly became meaningless? so that i could easily be ignored and out of favour? I understand that going away means new friends and new connections; in fact no one knows this better than me. But to forget the ones you spent years making...why count them as null and void just because there are new things in your life? Just share them with your old friends! make them a part of it!

I'll never understand how we all went from talking everyday for hours to not talking at all for over a year. But the friends i've made in Canterbury who really know me for me and don't just skim over the detail, let me know that i'm worth far more than the way i'm being treated now. So i choose to forget, not the memories, but the way in which things have ended, and move on. It's no use to carry on crying over the same thing for 7 years. Only real friends are worth something like that, and even then they'd never upset me so much.

xXx

Friday 23 July 2010

First time

I was so panicky it was insane. I'd never done it before, and Ben was just looking at me so expectantly...Like if i didn't do it properly i was just less of a person.

It's not my fault i've never done it before! I mean, I thought hardly anyone had done it. It's not like I've not had plenty of chances to, I really have. And i've thought about doing it before now, but always chickened out at the last minute. I just wanted to wait until I felt comfortable enough to do it, in the right moment, at completely the right time. Make sure i had enough of a reason. There's nothing wrong with that right?

I was trembling so much when it came to it. I'd gotten the message loud and clear from Ben who, although only wanted for me to be comfortable and happy before doing the deed, i could tell had been waiting for weeks now for me to finally pull myself together and just...get on with it. So many things were running through my head as i got ready. What do i do? Is there like an order in which things happen? What if it was too much for me, what if i freaked out halfway through and just completely made an arse out of myself in-front of him? everyone would know i mucked up, they'd hear about it.

Then i started trying to calm myself down. It's not THAT big a deal, right? Everyone's done it. Right? Just relax...make sure you're ready, don't rush into anything you're not prepared for. What if it isn't even that amazing? What if i do it and then blargh, that's it? Done. No fireworks, no banner congratulating me on finally doing it. What if i've built it up so much in my head that when it finally happens, i'm left feeling listless and a little annoyed and bored?

But i threw caution to the wind, and told Ben i was ready. AND SO he handed me the mic and I made my first announcement over the tannoy system to the customers in Tesco Beccles. And it turned out it really wasn't that big a deal, even though i did muck up a little.

Why, what did you think i was talking about?

xXx

Thursday 15 July 2010

Surreal Soundtrack

I find it strange that 2 of the most surreal moments of my life have involved the song 'Sussudio' by Phil Collins.

Firstly because, although I do like the song, I've never actively chosen to listen to it, but had only ever heard it from another source like the radio, TV or Dad's record collection. Secondly because of all the songs in the world it's possibly the most random to come across that often and isn't commonly played. Thirdly because... well, it's Sussudio by Phil Collins.

It's never really held any normal connotations in my head, simply because of the situation in which I first heard it- that being the first time I watched 'American Psycho', during which Patrick Bateman has sex with 2 prostitutes whilst listening to the song. But since then the scenarios in which i hear it have become stranger.

Surreal Moment No.1
The first occurred whilst in the car with my Dad. We were going to go pick up my brother Fozz from his mates' house, and dad turned round to me and said "Right; here's what we gonna do." He then pulled a Phil Collins CD out from the glove compartment, put it in the cars CD player, then chose track no.3. he then continued, "Just follow my lead", before cranking the car stereo to it's highest volume and pressing play. Instantly 'Sussudio' BLARED from the speakers, and I mean it was standing-next-to-the-largest-speaker-at-a-gig loud. I covered my ears and shouted "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" before suddenly hearing my Dad screaming the words along with Collins, trying to make himself heard over the din! I shouted some more times before getting his attention, and he paused it, looking at me as if there was nothing abnormal about what had just happened. "Dad, seriously, what JUST happened?!" "It's the only way to listen to that song." "What?! That makes no sense!" "Yes it does. Now shh" and with that Phil Collins began raping my ears again. Ok, that sentence probably needs some thinking over but i'll leave it for now. Dad continued screaming along with 'Sussudio' whilst i stared at him in complete and utter disbelief.

Surreal Moment No.2
The second one occurred when my younger sister Katie went to Norwich to get a tattoo at a place called 'Factotum'. It was on her foot, and Katie had been told this was quite a painful experience so had asked me and her friend Jodie to come along for support. As she sat in the chair she held onto my hand; when the tattooist began she practically pulled my arms off. to give you some idea of how much pain she was in; Katie NEVER swears- and I heard her swear more times in the hour it took to complete her tattoo than i ever had in her lifetime!

Whilst the tattooist was working music was being played from a stereo in the corner, and it was all 80's hits. Suddenly Katie let out another scream, and the following took place;
Katie: ARRGGGHHHH FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!!! ['Sussudio' by Phil Collins begins playing on the stereo]... Wait...Amy, is that- is that Phil Collins?
Me:Er...yeah, it is, it's erm 'Sussudio', I think
Katie: The one from 'American Psycho'?
Me: That's the one missus.
Katie: ARGH OW OW OW OW OH FUCKING BLOODY FUCK, SHIT!! AMY!!
Me: Yeah, hun?
Katie: Sing it to me!
Me: I-wait, what?
Katie: Sing 'Sussudio'! Now!! please, it'll help!!
Me: I-
Katie: Do it!!
Me: [nervously clearing throat] Ahem...erm...
Katie: ARRRGGHHH-[she pulls me down, holding onto both my hands and practically breaking my wrist]
Me: (Quietly) 'There's a girl that's been on my mi-iind'
Katie: OWWW FUCKING SHIII-
Me: 'All the tii-ime, Su-Sussudio'
Katie: FUUUUUCKII-
Me: 'Oh-ohh-ohh'

And that's how Phil Collins became the official sponsor of my surreal lifestyle.
xXx

Saturday 10 July 2010

Stealing

(Behind the Customer Services Desk. A scruffy looking lady appears, waving 6 lottery tickets at me)
Lady: Check these.
Me: Er, yeah, ok.
(I check the tickets. none are winners)
Me: Yeah, sorry, none of these are winners i'm afraid.
Lady: What?
Me: None of them are winning tickets, madam, i'm sorry
Lady: (Looks me up and down suspiciously) Really?
Me: Uh-huh.
(there is a silence as the woman looks to her tickets i'm now holding out to her, to me and then to the machine)
Lady:Check them again.
Me:...I'm sorry?
Lady:(Getting annoyed) Check them, but let me see the machine whilst you're doing it.
Me: (thinking 'THE F-') Right. Ok, er, if you'd like to come over here you can see the machine from there...
(She positions herself so that her trolley blocks all the other shoppers)
Tom: Er, excuse me madam, would you mind moving-
Lady: (irate) Oh for the love of god!!!
(She slams her trolley against the desk, knocking over the displays. She then turns to me at the machine)
Lady: DO IT!
(I check the tickets in-front of her, showing her each time that they're not a winner)
Me: See? I'm sorry. Would you like me to throw them away?
Lady: (Sighs noisily) Well, I suppose you better bloody throw them away if they're useless, hmm?
(I walk back over to my till to try and sort out the massive queue now forming. The woman moves over in-front of my till again)
Me: I'm sorry, madam, had you not finished?
Lady: Do it now.
Me; I...I don't understand-
Lady: Rip them up, one by one, in-front of me so i know you've done it.
(I look at her incredulously)
Me: I'm sorry, i will get rid of them, i just really need to sort this-
Lady: Oh for god's BLOODY SAKE just DO IT NOW!!!
(I hastily tear up the tickets and throw them away, scowling)
Me: Will that be-
Lady: Now hang on-
Me:(Sternly)Will That Be ALL, Madam?
( The woman walks in a huff. all the other customers looked relieved. Tom High-fives me)
xXx

Thursday 8 July 2010

drawings

My infinitely cooler than me friend Ross Lane drew these. Marvel at them. I am. Marvelling, that is. YEP.



I love this one- it's based on Moon.

xXX

Foggy Old London Town

An introduction, of sorts

About 3 months ago I absentmindedly tweeted 'Watching the episode of the the simpsons with the sensory deprivation tanks- looks well legit', or something as captivating as that last sentence obviously was (how i have 180+ followers is beyond me. this isn't a form of complaint though ^^). I didn't think anything of it until a month later i got a reply from Floatworks telling me they could offer some kind of discount if I wanted it. Again i thought nothing of it- more the fool me- and went about my little sensory-laden life. Then I got an email from floatworks, offering me a complimentary session if i'd write about the experience on both my Blog and Twitter. Someone offering me the opportunity to do something I wanted to, for free AND asking me to spend time tweeting and blogging? I don't think excited is really the word. exploded is probably more accurate, albeit messier. I jumped at the chance- literally, actually, as when i told my Dad i found myself hopping on the spot with yayness- and after ensuring Alex would be accompanying to avoid panic, confusion and a bad case of, well, Amy, THE DATE WAS SET. That date was 27th May 2010, when me and Crudenforth embarked on an Epic adventure across Foggy Old London Town. Enjoy.

-----------

London. LONDONIA. Landaan. Loldon. Call it what you will- it still makes me spazz with excitement. Alex has more experience of this than anyone, so I figured he'd be the best person to tag along with me today. My Dad really didn't like the idea of me being there by myself, doing something completely new and alien to me, in an area of London i barely know. I say that as if I know any of the areas of London. I don't. So as I sat looking out of the train window, my face adorned with a sly smile as i was bewildered by the mass amounts of glass, metal and human expression squashed together in the London skyline, Alex was sat opposite, looking at me with a bemused expression and generally looking ginger. The train journey itself was fairly uneventful. It involved me being slightly hungover, and Alex receiving many good-natured insults courtesy of yours truly. good times.

We got to Londonia at around 13:45 and I instantly started freaking out- Floatworks had asked I be there by 13:50, in order to get everything sorted, and we had none ideas where this place even was! Alex reassured me overandoverandover that it "would be fine", "we'll be fine", "you'll be fine, everything's fiiiiine" whilst i stood flapping my hands around my head and generally being a retard. A lovely man in the information bit printed off a map for us, after freaking me out by saying "Thrale Street? I've never heard of there." As i said to Cruden- if the man in London doesn't know where the street in London is then we have no hope whatsoever. As it was i shouldn't have been so cynical; the map was awesome sauce and we ended up outside Floatworks in no time at all.

When we got to the building though there was simply a brick wall and a door with no handle on anything on the outside. It was as if we had to figure out how to get in in order to deserve the floating session- I half expected Richard O'Brian to appear from behind one of the parked cars and jostle us into solving the puzzle. We ended up following a bohemian-looking woman in, for she was wise to the door's antics and used the buzzer me and Alex had ignorantly missed whilst dithering. Instantly, the overwhelming smell of salt and cleaner hit me and a little bubble of excitement and anticipation rose up through me. We walked through to the reception, and I timidly asked after my appointment, and I was told to wait and that someone would come to get me to take me to 'my tank'. I couldn't help but experience a delusion of grandeur at being allocated my own 'tank', but decided not to let it go to my head. I had to change my shoes for these funky looking plastic flip-flop-type-sandal extrvanganzas that made my sporadic inability to walk without tripping a constant problem, and then followed a very lovely young woman to my allocated room. When you go in there is a massive pod that looks like this;

Cool, right? i mean, let's face it, it looks like every sci-fi fan's ideal bathtub. And it pretty much is. You have to shower before and after you enter the tank, so i quickly hopped in and out of the small shower cubicle in the corner of the room. Then I, conscious of the fact i was now about to lie completely naked in a tank of salt water that makes you float, hopped into the tank, closed the lid, and very carefully allowed myself to sit.

WOAH. It was unreal!! i had to push REALLY hard in order to touch the bottom of the tank, and the water had only come up to my shin when i was standing in it! there was a light at the lower end of the tank that projected relaxing light onto the white walls of the tank. there was a cushion provided, incase i wished to rest my head on it but i'd been told it was a more natural position if you trust the water. There's a light at the foot of the tank, which slowly shifts to different subtle, but bright colours, and a button at the side that when you touch switches the light off. You're also given a bottle with a spray nozzle that has water in it- the woman who'd shown me to my room watched as i tripped over the mat in the doorway and instantly pointed it out to me, saying should i accidentally find myself with salt water in my eye to spritz it with the bottle. The girl did good, as i did end up getting salt water in my eye and it hurt so bad i writhed around a little. But the spritzer bottle did work fantastically so no worries :)

I lay back, and already felt so much more comfortable and relaxed. they play 10 minutes of 'music' at the beginning of the session and then start it again to let you know the session's over. As the music played i switched the light off, ready to experience complete darkness, whilst also preparing myself to freak out, and discovered little shines of light coming through the lid of the tank. I was massively disappointed, thinking 'well...that's not complete darkness, there's like little bits of annoying light'. I spent around 3 minutes in a huff before gradually the music faded away; And then the lights went out.

It was COMPLETELY dark. i held my hand in front of my face and tried so hard to see it, but couldn't for the life of me!! Once my eyes adjusted to being in the dark i stopped freaking out and started relaxing. And oh my god it was amazing! My arms kept lifting above my head because they were floating and i felt like i was actually moving, like you do when you lie on your back in a swimming pool, but i wasn't going anywhere. After a while i thought the lights had come on of their own volition- but then i realised that in the darkness my eyes and my mind were creating a pattern of light above me, in different shades of blue!! It was amazing, but kind of intense- i'd never experienced anything like it before and it made me think about all the potential our minds have that we just take for granted, and can't access unless in completely abnormal situations. Also, it looked fucking cool.

At one point i semi-freaked out because i thought i had my eyes closed and then i blinked. It was incredible though, the way i felt afterwards; I suffer from tendonitis in my knees, and it had recently been stupidly painful, but after 'the tank times', as i like to fondly remember it, i had no issues whatsoever for at least a month. Also i felt 1000 times better about myself, i really felt like i could've done anything at that moment. That also might've been due to the fact that once you've left the tank, and then showered etc you go to a room where there's a coffee machine, scented candles, hairdryers, straighteners, beauty products, 10 different kinds of hairbrush. And MASSIVE mirrors, with amazing lighting!! I was able to make myself look buff ting, despite having just been floating in a tank for an hour. Everything about the experience was wonderful- and I cannot wait to go back for next session!

After all of the flotation tank tomfoolery, me and Alex went to go meet his good friend Leo, who lived in London. I'd never met Leo before, but Alex had told me he was made of awesome so i was quite excited; turned out he is in fact made of awesome, and several other lovely things too. After deciding where to go;
Leo: Where'd you fancy going then?
Alex: Well, I don't really have anything in mind, and Amy's just happy to be here so it's up to you

We walked to the monument and then paid some money to do more excercise than i had done in the last 4 years of my life, after which we got a certificate. I think that's the first time i've ever gotten a certificate for sweating off my entire body weight. Then again that was the first time i had ever sweated off my entire body weight- and hopefully the last, unless i'm expected to climb mount killamanjaro. Or Beccles Church tower...same difference. Anyway, being distracted, where was I? Oh yes- being healthy.

So the next thing we did was locate a pub for lunchles and alcohol. Miraculously i wasn't ID but i think that may have been cos Alex bought my drink...either way, i ended up with alcohol without having to flash the ol' citizen card which = epic win. The three of us had this simply epically lovely time, chatting and laughing and insulting each other. it was ace.

After some more wanderings, and a discussion about how im a fool for A) Loving Glee, B) never haven been on a boat and C) Using the word 'LOL' in real-life, we settled at another pub by the riverside, where Leo revealed his penchant for dressing like a school teacher. More LOLZ occurred, during which I pointed out that Leo had learned as much about me in half a day as Alex had in over a year and a half. We parted ways, and then Alex walked me to Piccadilly Circus, because I'd never been before, on route discovering I had missed the UK Premiere of SATC 2. After recovering from heart-break I couldn't help but marvel at London. No matter how often i'm there (which isn't very often to be honest) I'm always taken aback by how great it makes me feel, and the absolute want i get to do well, and completely push myself whenever i see another landmark on the horizon. It's almost as if the City is so incredible i'm in competition with it- i need to earn my stripes, and my place, by excelling. I don't get that feeling very often. and certainly not in Beccles.

After a weary journey home, during which i fell asleep in Alex's lap and a man who kept picking his nose and eating it kept rubbing himself against Alex, we were back in Canters. And already all i wanted to do was go back to London.

xXx

Monday 5 July 2010

.

I wish i could be one of those girls
The ones who everyone wants but none will admit to wanting;
men consider her simultaneously not good enough for them and out of their league.

They’re the ones who stand out without trying
Effortlessly their hair just turns whatever colour
If they want to change something they change it
Impulsive. That’s the word.
They don’t worry like i do;
‘if i want it that RED i’d have to bleach it first and the bleach would kill the ends of my hair so then i’d have to cut it short and my face is far too round to have short hair and maybe my cheeks are too pink to have red hair and it’d look stupid maybe i should yeah i’ll just keep it the same'

My friends tells me often that i think too much
But that’s only because (i make the excuse that) i have too much time to think.

The last impulsive thing i did was write this poem.
That's not saying much, seeing as this line's now been re-written 5 times.
Nothing’s raw anymore
Nothing’s ever left to be what it was when it started

If i want to pierce my nose, i will.
I’d probably stop thinking about it so much if
i stopped asking for other people's opinions.
Next time i want to do something i think i’ll keep it to myself.
Then maybe JUST MAYBE I’ll actually do it.

I wish i could be one of those girls
Who don't say 'i want this but i can't have this'
they say 'I want this, ok, now it's mine'.
They see the world as theirs already
and their lives consist of convincing people that's the truth
and naturally other people
see the world as that way too;
"Well, yeah, it obviously belongs to you-
you go and do whatever it is you want to do."
They don't need to hear permission, but they always end up stealing mine.

...

Fuck it, i'm piercing my nose and dyeing my hair.

xXx

Sunday 4 July 2010

Why so serious

The last blog was very serious, so i decided to counteract that;


Eli's dinosaur toys provide many a LOL

xXx

Thursday 1 July 2010

Writing

If writing supposed to be honest then i can't honestly say i have nothing to write about. What i can say in all honesty is that i'm scared to write about a lot of things. Whether personal, humorous, factual, opinionated- it's all there, pounding at my brain to make my hand pick up a pen, but i'm scared to show it. There's a level of insecurity about my behaviour, sure; I mean i KNOW i'm a good writer, writing is what i do, and i'm aware that to KNOW what you are and what you want to do with yourself for the rest of your life at the age of 20 is a fantastically rare occurrence and i'm thankful for it. But to showcase all those little sentences and quotes and scenes that sporadically fill my mind- to literally hand what i'm thinking to someone on a piece of paper, or post a link to it online...there's a seriously intense level of fear that comes with doing that. What if they don't like it? what if it offends someone? what if it turns out that in the eyes of everyone i'm actually NOT a writer, but simply a young woman with a lot to moan and be sarcastic about?

Opinion sits over mys shoulder, watching and waiting to help me fall at the first hurdle. And i'm terrified that i'm going to end up letting it hold me back. The less i put out there, the less chance there is of someone telling me what i've written isn't good enough and there's a rickety carriage in my train of thought filled with ideas that are incredibly happy to do just that- to not write anything, or at least to write and then not to show anyone. You know what i mean; you'll be on a roll, your mind teeming and going faster than ever before, the wheels gliding over the tracks, you're working and working but then- that one carriage, somewhere in the back, in amongst your best ideas, just rocks ever so slightly. Just falls out of turn with the others, and the whole things slows down, treads carefully and loses momentum. The passion falls out of what you're doing and so the doubt finds a way to slip in easier and THAT'S when you stop. and then when you start moving again again you're too scared to push yourself to go faster so you ride along at at a speed laid out for you by somebody who doesn't know your capability or your potential. and you fall into the trap of an easy life.

I want to be a teacher, in the same way that i wanted a summer job this year- I need the money, and i need it to be reliable. A writer's income is never reliable from the word go- it just doesn't happen. so until i become successful enough to work just as a writer I'll work as a teacher and write on the side. But what if i become too comfortable? I'll have a steady income, hopefully be living where i wish to and I'll have an everyday, reliable life. Suddenly the fear that comes with writing seems excessive- why put myself through that when i could just...stay the way i am?

One part of my mind- the one that sounds a lot like my mother- insists that becoming a teacher is a necessity. The other part tells me that i cannot fall into the pattern of an easy life. It tells me that things you want you have to work hard for and won't ever come easy. And that part of my mind doesn't have a voice which lets me know that it's me, I'm telling myself that, and that those thoughts come from no one else. I think that's the voice that i REALLY need to start paying more attention to...

xXx