When i was younger i had really big trouble sleeping at night. It got to a point where i was running on about 2 hours sleep every day, which was horrible. I can remember when it started- Christmas Eve. It was the most ridiculous thing too, I got a Christmas song stuck in my head and it kept going round and round and when Christmas Morning came i hadn't slept at all. That whole day i spent trying not to hear the same songs too often, fearing they'd get stuck in my head and i wouldn't be able to sleep again.
That's how it starts- you worry about not getting to sleep, so when it comes to going to sleep you actually try. Have you ever noticed that? when you try and make yourself sleep you never can? I've always found it strange. And all the while you're trying to sleep the minutes go by and by and before you know it it's 3am and even though you went to bed at 10pm you're no closer to sleeping than you were when you were eating your breakfast.
The part that always upset me the most and the thing i found most harrowing about not being able to sleep- and it is harrowing, by the way. A couple of awkward nights here and there and you get cranky, sure. But when you go months without being able to just doze off, left staring at your ceiling until the sun comes up, sleeping becomes all you can think about, all day, everyday, even though it's the one thing you can't actually do. After the first month of only roughly 2 hours a night i began feeling sick to my stomach at the thought of bed. The hours during the day went super fast, and i used to dread hearing the words 'time for bed'. You come to expect the fact you can't sleep. I made a lot of jokes around that time. Most of them thought up whilst not being able to sleep, ironically.
Anyway, the thing that really got to me was how lonely i always felt. Lying in my bed, which was a place i hated being in, at 4am feeling like there was no one else in the world awake with me right now. I'd constantly be listening for the sound of a car to go past and think 'Oh, thank god, someone else is awake right now, i'm not by myself'. But living in a small country town, there isn't that much traffic. Just...even though i KNEW that other people were awake, somewhere, there wasn't anyone with me. The thought of being alone, ever, still majorly scares me now.
Then, after 5 months of living off of the dregs of 'sleep', randomly, one night after no particular special day, occasion or change to my daily routine i slept soundly, and did so for years after-wards. And that was it. Every so often my Insomnia comes back- predictably around my AS Levels-although strangely not my A Levels- and during my first year of Uni i had some trouble. Neither of them lasted as long as the first time, but the bout during Uni was very hard to deal with because I had no one there who i knew well enough to talk to about it. But that only lasted 3 weeks and since then i've had no trouble sleeping.
You may think this is a really random blog to be writing, considering the ones that surround it. But it was so weird, i looked down at the clock on my laptop and it said 'something ridiculous AM'. And i got the little tugging feeling in my stomach, like i used to get. The little thought of loneliness popped into my head, and its been a while since i felt it. so i thought i'd write about it. maybe in the hope someone else has felt that way too.
xXx
Saturday 28 August 2010
A conversation on [with] my phone
(Sat at the table on Bob the laptop, desperately trying to be sociable. My phone is next to me, plugged in and charging, when it suddenly starts to buzz)
Me: OHH YEAAAH textual messages. I'm so popular right now. (I look at the phone. the screen is blank) Ah what?
Phone: Oh, er, jeez, this is awkward...
Me: Where's the text, phone?
Phone: Yeah, er, you haven't actually got one?
Me: But-
Phone: Yeeah, that noise, the *Bzzzzz* situation? It's just to let you know i'm fully charged.
Me: Oh.
Phone: Yeah.
Me: So...no one actually texted me?
Phone: Yeah. But that's not to say-
Me: So no one wants to talk to me?
Phone: Now, come on i didn't say that-
Me: No, what you said was perfectly clear, actually.
Phone: HEY. that's not fair. I just thought i'd let you know i was charged, it wasn't meant to be a-
Me: OH YEAH RIGHT!! You always do this, you always say that you're trying to help me out, when all you're doing is...getting my hopes up.
Phone: I do NOT do it on purpose! How dare yo-
Me (muttering): This is EXACTLY like last week with all those messages from Vodafone.
Phone: OH. OH i cannot believe you brought that up AGAIN. That wasn't my fault!
Me: You didn't have to sound so eager every time!! here i am, sitting here, bored and lonely and you're all "Hey, Amy, Guess who wants to talk to you? NO ONE!! just some multi-million corporation looking to squeeze another £5 out of you!"
Phone: We've spoken about this. I had no choice, i'm just doing my job-
Me: Yeah, i get it- 'you were only doing your job'
Phone: Listen, it's not my fault your friends don't like talking to you, ALRIGHT??
Me:...I can't believe you just said that.
(Silence. I pick up my phone and go to press the 'off' button)
Phone: Now.. No, Amy, come on... don't be like tha- AMY! DON'T!
(I switch my phone off)
------
(5 minutes later)
Phone: Switched me back on, then?
Me: Yeah, i realised i couldn't go on Snaptu if you were off.
....
You know sometimes i actually worry my head is so far elsewhere no one else will find it.
xXx
Me: OHH YEAAAH textual messages. I'm so popular right now. (I look at the phone. the screen is blank) Ah what?
Phone: Oh, er, jeez, this is awkward...
Me: Where's the text, phone?
Phone: Yeah, er, you haven't actually got one?
Me: But-
Phone: Yeeah, that noise, the *Bzzzzz* situation? It's just to let you know i'm fully charged.
Me: Oh.
Phone: Yeah.
Me: So...no one actually texted me?
Phone: Yeah. But that's not to say-
Me: So no one wants to talk to me?
Phone: Now, come on i didn't say that-
Me: No, what you said was perfectly clear, actually.
Phone: HEY. that's not fair. I just thought i'd let you know i was charged, it wasn't meant to be a-
Me: OH YEAH RIGHT!! You always do this, you always say that you're trying to help me out, when all you're doing is...getting my hopes up.
Phone: I do NOT do it on purpose! How dare yo-
Me (muttering): This is EXACTLY like last week with all those messages from Vodafone.
Phone: OH. OH i cannot believe you brought that up AGAIN. That wasn't my fault!
Me: You didn't have to sound so eager every time!! here i am, sitting here, bored and lonely and you're all "Hey, Amy, Guess who wants to talk to you? NO ONE!! just some multi-million corporation looking to squeeze another £5 out of you!"
Phone: We've spoken about this. I had no choice, i'm just doing my job-
Me: Yeah, i get it- 'you were only doing your job'
Phone: Listen, it's not my fault your friends don't like talking to you, ALRIGHT??
Me:...I can't believe you just said that.
(Silence. I pick up my phone and go to press the 'off' button)
Phone: Now.. No, Amy, come on... don't be like tha- AMY! DON'T!
(I switch my phone off)
------
(5 minutes later)
Phone: Switched me back on, then?
Me: Yeah, i realised i couldn't go on Snaptu if you were off.
....
You know sometimes i actually worry my head is so far elsewhere no one else will find it.
xXx
Thursday 26 August 2010
Bun in the Oven
When it comes to children, I'm a little less than enthusiastic. Or at least, I used to be. But very recently things have started to change in my mind, and I feel like the only person I can blame is my 4 year old nephew; Eli.
The career I'm heading for (believe me, there's no question that i'll win that academy award for best original screenplay one day...) is one that needs a person to be selfish and dedicated. I need to be driven and i need to push myself, and put myself in compromising and unreliable situations; being a writer doesn't always- or often- ensure that the bills get paid or that there is food on the table. So whenever someone asked me "Do you want children in the future?" or even spoken about the prospect of children i have shuddered away from the subject with a swift "Not likely". I said that i have enough brothers and sisters so that I can get the 'kid buzz' off of them and then not have any of the responsibility. I always said "I can't even take care of myself, so how the hell would i be able to take care of a child??"
When Eli was born it was the most wonderful thing that's ever happened in my life. I thought i knew love; I thought i loved my family more than i could love anything, and i thought i knew what it meant to actually love someone with everything you have. And then i held Eli for the first time in that hospital and the...it's hard to describe, but it was like a wave of pure, undiluted love and adulation smacked me right in the face and woke me up to the potential of a life, as naff as that sounds. There, in that moment i genuinely realised that until i'd held him i had no idea what real love was. Eli was truly...just the greatest thing in our lives. The purest thing.
Now i'm not saying that as soon as Eli was born all these anti-children feelings disappeared. Actually, it was kinda the opposite, and if anything it was seeing the work and effort and responsibility that comes with having a child that allowed these feelings to develop. I have nothing but the utmost respect for both my older sister, Vicki, and my brother-in-law, John, in seeing how they've handled whatever's come their way when it comes to Eli, but for the entire 4 years, watching him grow up has just terrified me into convincing myself that i would be a horrible mother, and that it would be unfair on any kid if they ended up with me as a mum.
But recently rather than a feeling of repulsion at the sight of a baby- the number of times Katie has pointed out a 'cute' baby and i've recoiled in horror are countless- i've kind of had a fluttering in my tummy and a skip of my heart. Eli has grown up to be the coolest person i know, and even though spending time with him and looking after him is just as hard as it ever was it suddenly seems worth it. As if all the responsibility and fear that comes with having a little life depend on you is watered down, and manageable. Of course, Vic and John are pretty much the ultimate tag-team so it's not as terrifying a prospect, but that's also helped change my idea on relationships. I always thought they were too much hassle and not worth the time of day. And that ultimately i was happy just being by myself. but they really are worth it, if you have the right one. And i found myself thinking that maybe one day it wouldn't be the worst thing to fall in love and find a life with someone, and then have kids of my own. maybe it could actually be the greatest thing to happen to me since...well, Eli.
Natural human instinct is an incredible thing. When Eli cries we all instantly descend on him to see what's wrong- the noise of a baby crying pulls at you and distresses you so much that you HAVE to find out as soon as possible what is wrong with the child. That's human instinct. The way your whole soul melts as soon as you hold a new life, and how your body instantly yearns and plucks a random thought from the back of your mind that says 'children are a good idea, have a baby!'- that's a natural human instinct. The whole science behind it makes the whole thing less fairytale and whimsical, but the reason you're so in love with your child is basically down to the fact that we need to reproduce and then keep our family safe in the hope they grow, reproduce and carry on the human race. That's it in layman's terms.
But i don't think about it like that anymore. This isn't me declaring that within the next year i'm going to get married and have lots of babies. NO WAY. Are you kidding?!? There's the small issue of final year of university, then my PGCE. and how am i sposed to pull the gorgeous french student who's FINALLY come back after a year away with a bun all up in my oven?? Right now i'm not wanting a gaggle of tiny geek-children to keep me company. But as i get a little older my body's finally letting me know that actually i'm not gonna suck at the mum thing as much as i fear i might. Now all i need is for either David Tennant, Rupert Grint or Joseph Gordon-Levitt to find me so we can start with the whole 'falling in love' thing.
I'm not gonna use the term 'body clock' cos it pisses me off. but that little bugger Eli has kick started something in me.
Pfft. Kids, huh? Who needs 'em?
:)
xXx
The career I'm heading for (believe me, there's no question that i'll win that academy award for best original screenplay one day...) is one that needs a person to be selfish and dedicated. I need to be driven and i need to push myself, and put myself in compromising and unreliable situations; being a writer doesn't always- or often- ensure that the bills get paid or that there is food on the table. So whenever someone asked me "Do you want children in the future?" or even spoken about the prospect of children i have shuddered away from the subject with a swift "Not likely". I said that i have enough brothers and sisters so that I can get the 'kid buzz' off of them and then not have any of the responsibility. I always said "I can't even take care of myself, so how the hell would i be able to take care of a child??"
When Eli was born it was the most wonderful thing that's ever happened in my life. I thought i knew love; I thought i loved my family more than i could love anything, and i thought i knew what it meant to actually love someone with everything you have. And then i held Eli for the first time in that hospital and the...it's hard to describe, but it was like a wave of pure, undiluted love and adulation smacked me right in the face and woke me up to the potential of a life, as naff as that sounds. There, in that moment i genuinely realised that until i'd held him i had no idea what real love was. Eli was truly...just the greatest thing in our lives. The purest thing.
Now i'm not saying that as soon as Eli was born all these anti-children feelings disappeared. Actually, it was kinda the opposite, and if anything it was seeing the work and effort and responsibility that comes with having a child that allowed these feelings to develop. I have nothing but the utmost respect for both my older sister, Vicki, and my brother-in-law, John, in seeing how they've handled whatever's come their way when it comes to Eli, but for the entire 4 years, watching him grow up has just terrified me into convincing myself that i would be a horrible mother, and that it would be unfair on any kid if they ended up with me as a mum.
But recently rather than a feeling of repulsion at the sight of a baby- the number of times Katie has pointed out a 'cute' baby and i've recoiled in horror are countless- i've kind of had a fluttering in my tummy and a skip of my heart. Eli has grown up to be the coolest person i know, and even though spending time with him and looking after him is just as hard as it ever was it suddenly seems worth it. As if all the responsibility and fear that comes with having a little life depend on you is watered down, and manageable. Of course, Vic and John are pretty much the ultimate tag-team so it's not as terrifying a prospect, but that's also helped change my idea on relationships. I always thought they were too much hassle and not worth the time of day. And that ultimately i was happy just being by myself. but they really are worth it, if you have the right one. And i found myself thinking that maybe one day it wouldn't be the worst thing to fall in love and find a life with someone, and then have kids of my own. maybe it could actually be the greatest thing to happen to me since...well, Eli.
Natural human instinct is an incredible thing. When Eli cries we all instantly descend on him to see what's wrong- the noise of a baby crying pulls at you and distresses you so much that you HAVE to find out as soon as possible what is wrong with the child. That's human instinct. The way your whole soul melts as soon as you hold a new life, and how your body instantly yearns and plucks a random thought from the back of your mind that says 'children are a good idea, have a baby!'- that's a natural human instinct. The whole science behind it makes the whole thing less fairytale and whimsical, but the reason you're so in love with your child is basically down to the fact that we need to reproduce and then keep our family safe in the hope they grow, reproduce and carry on the human race. That's it in layman's terms.
But i don't think about it like that anymore. This isn't me declaring that within the next year i'm going to get married and have lots of babies. NO WAY. Are you kidding?!? There's the small issue of final year of university, then my PGCE. and how am i sposed to pull the gorgeous french student who's FINALLY come back after a year away with a bun all up in my oven?? Right now i'm not wanting a gaggle of tiny geek-children to keep me company. But as i get a little older my body's finally letting me know that actually i'm not gonna suck at the mum thing as much as i fear i might. Now all i need is for either David Tennant, Rupert Grint or Joseph Gordon-Levitt to find me so we can start with the whole 'falling in love' thing.
I'm not gonna use the term 'body clock' cos it pisses me off. but that little bugger Eli has kick started something in me.
Pfft. Kids, huh? Who needs 'em?
:)
xXx
Saturday 21 August 2010
Birthday presents from Beyonce
Me: So what are you getting Kage for her birthday?
Mum: Well, she's so particular we just said she can order whatever she wants off of Play.
Me:...Off of what?
Mum: Play.
Me: Play? Do you mean play dot com?
Mum: Yeah, Play.
Me: No, Play DOT COM. Play sounds...dodgy.
Mum: Well i don't see the problem with it-
Me: I do! This is exactly like that time you convinced yourself Beyonce was pronounced 'Bejonse'
Mum: It can be-
Me: DON'T START THIS AGAIN!
xXx
Mum: Well, she's so particular we just said she can order whatever she wants off of Play.
Me:...Off of what?
Mum: Play.
Me: Play? Do you mean play dot com?
Mum: Yeah, Play.
Me: No, Play DOT COM. Play sounds...dodgy.
Mum: Well i don't see the problem with it-
Me: I do! This is exactly like that time you convinced yourself Beyonce was pronounced 'Bejonse'
Mum: It can be-
Me: DON'T START THIS AGAIN!
xXx
Monday 9 August 2010
Living with Pandy
A short conversation that took place Last night, before Pandy went to bed;
Mum: So, if you're going to Norwich tomorrow what time do you want waking up?
Me: Nah, don't worry about that, i'm gonna have the MOST epic lie-in in the world. it'll go on for days. Kage isn't getting back til late so it's alright.
Dad: Sure you don't want waking up?
Me: Nah, it's all kosher.
This Morning, at 08:30am. I'm asleep,when Dad comes into my room;
Dad: Amy?...Amy?
Me: (Sleeping noise)
Dad: AMY!
Me:(Startled and still half asleep) Wh? What, Dad? What's wrong??
Dad: I couldn't remember what time you said you wanted waking up so i thought I'd ask
Me: (confused and still half asleep) What? I don't, why what's happening?
Dad: Nothing, I just thought you wanted waking u-
Me: NO, DAD!! I'm having a lie-in, i'll get up whenever, go away!
Dad: Fine, fine. Sorry(!). Jeez...
This Morning, at 09:15am. I've fallen back asleep, when Mum comes into my room;
Mum: AMY!
Me: (scared shitless) WHAA! Mum, what the hell?!?! What's wrong?!?!
Mum: Couldn't remember what time you said you wanted waking up, so I thought I'd-
Me:Are yo- Are you freaking kidding me?!?!? I don't want waking up I'M HAVING A BLOODY LIE-IN!! Why do you and dad keep coming in here JUST GO AWAY!!
Mum: But you're going to Norwich so i though-
Me: We had this conversation last night!!!!
Mum: (pause) We did?
Me: YES!! Now let me-
Mum: (Shouting downstairs) ANDREW??
Me: Oh for the love of-
Mum: ANDREWW??
Me: Mum, let me-
Dad:(shouting upstairs) YEAH??
Mum: DO YOU REMEMBER AMY SAYING SHE WANTED TO HAVE A LIE-IN LAST NIGHT??
Me: Mum, seriously, just leave me alo-
Dad:NO, I THOUGH YOU SAID SHE WANTED TO BE WOKEN UP BUT WE BOTH COULDN'T REMEMBER WHEN??
Mum:THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, BUT-
Me: GET OUT OF MY ROOM! GET OUT!! LET ME SLEEP!! LET MEE SLEEEP!!!
Mum: Oh Amy, for god's sake, there's no need to shout. Fine, i'll go. (Walks out muttering) Ungrateful little (Inaudible)
This Morning, at 09:40am. I've not been able to fall back asleep, but have finally started to drift off when Dad walks into my room.
Dad: Amy? Amy? Thought you might want a cup of tea in bed?
(I stare blindly in rage up at the bedroom ceiling)
Dad: Amy?
Me: We need to get locks on our bedroom doors.
xXx
Mum: So, if you're going to Norwich tomorrow what time do you want waking up?
Me: Nah, don't worry about that, i'm gonna have the MOST epic lie-in in the world. it'll go on for days. Kage isn't getting back til late so it's alright.
Dad: Sure you don't want waking up?
Me: Nah, it's all kosher.
This Morning, at 08:30am. I'm asleep,when Dad comes into my room;
Dad: Amy?...Amy?
Me: (Sleeping noise)
Dad: AMY!
Me:(Startled and still half asleep) Wh? What, Dad? What's wrong??
Dad: I couldn't remember what time you said you wanted waking up so i thought I'd ask
Me: (confused and still half asleep) What? I don't, why what's happening?
Dad: Nothing, I just thought you wanted waking u-
Me: NO, DAD!! I'm having a lie-in, i'll get up whenever, go away!
Dad: Fine, fine. Sorry(!). Jeez...
This Morning, at 09:15am. I've fallen back asleep, when Mum comes into my room;
Mum: AMY!
Me: (scared shitless) WHAA! Mum, what the hell?!?! What's wrong?!?!
Mum: Couldn't remember what time you said you wanted waking up, so I thought I'd-
Me:Are yo- Are you freaking kidding me?!?!? I don't want waking up I'M HAVING A BLOODY LIE-IN!! Why do you and dad keep coming in here JUST GO AWAY!!
Mum: But you're going to Norwich so i though-
Me: We had this conversation last night!!!!
Mum: (pause) We did?
Me: YES!! Now let me-
Mum: (Shouting downstairs) ANDREW??
Me: Oh for the love of-
Mum: ANDREWW??
Me: Mum, let me-
Dad:(shouting upstairs) YEAH??
Mum: DO YOU REMEMBER AMY SAYING SHE WANTED TO HAVE A LIE-IN LAST NIGHT??
Me: Mum, seriously, just leave me alo-
Dad:NO, I THOUGH YOU SAID SHE WANTED TO BE WOKEN UP BUT WE BOTH COULDN'T REMEMBER WHEN??
Mum:THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT, BUT-
Me: GET OUT OF MY ROOM! GET OUT!! LET ME SLEEP!! LET MEE SLEEEP!!!
Mum: Oh Amy, for god's sake, there's no need to shout. Fine, i'll go. (Walks out muttering) Ungrateful little (Inaudible)
This Morning, at 09:40am. I've not been able to fall back asleep, but have finally started to drift off when Dad walks into my room.
Dad: Amy? Amy? Thought you might want a cup of tea in bed?
(I stare blindly in rage up at the bedroom ceiling)
Dad: Amy?
Me: We need to get locks on our bedroom doors.
xXx
Wednesday 4 August 2010
First Day
Just found the diary entry I wrote after my very first day at Uni. Unedited. Enjoy.
12:55am Monday 22nd September 2008
Today was my first day at Canterbury University of Kent. Me, Ma, Kage, Fozz and Dad all let at 7 ish this morning and drove (with a van full to the brim of my crud!) to Canterbury! We got lost at first, thanks to some misdirections, but eventually found Parkwood reception, where I picked up my keys for my room! 8/B Marley Court, Parkwood!! :) we drove the van and pulled up outside, and i unlocked the front door and then my room! It's lovely, medium size, but at first I was really freaking out, with all my unpacked stuff lying around but once Mum had helped me sort out my clothes and kage and Fozz put up posters it looked really cool- I love it now! I'm living with 4 other; Charlotte, who's doing Eng & Ame. Lit; Zoe, whose doing Interior Design; Claire, Who's doing politics and Jasmine, whose doing architecture. Charlotte, Claire and Zoe all seem lovely. So does Jas, but i don't think she likes me :S
I then went and registered, where i got my Kent ID Card (It looks LAME!!) and then came back before going into Canterbury itself- IT IS RAD! we saw monks!!! AND I wore my first ever pair of Ray Ban!! OH MY GOD!!! There are trees and animals everywhere here, especially on campus- I've seen a million magpies, a mouse [:)] tons of rabbits and loads of squirrels- one even came into our kitchen!!! Twas Fab!!
Then we wandered some more, came back to uni, and after a while the famille left, but i won't write about that otherwise I'll get upset.
After they'd gone i freshened up my sob-fest-of-a-face and went for a wander around campus, where I saw the mouse and loads of rabbits. I didn't really go far, for fear of not being able to find my way back! After that me and my housemates went out, and we met up with a huge bunch of people- including 2 irish people!!!- and just sat chatting. I'll finish the rest after I've had a kip, it's 1:08am and I'm shattered!!
Goodnight, Amen
xXx
'Amen'? I remember when i used to say that. This really was long ago, wasn't it?
strange how quick it's gone!!
roll on third year :)
xXx
12:55am Monday 22nd September 2008
Today was my first day at Canterbury University of Kent. Me, Ma, Kage, Fozz and Dad all let at 7 ish this morning and drove (with a van full to the brim of my crud!) to Canterbury! We got lost at first, thanks to some misdirections, but eventually found Parkwood reception, where I picked up my keys for my room! 8/B Marley Court, Parkwood!! :) we drove the van and pulled up outside, and i unlocked the front door and then my room! It's lovely, medium size, but at first I was really freaking out, with all my unpacked stuff lying around but once Mum had helped me sort out my clothes and kage and Fozz put up posters it looked really cool- I love it now! I'm living with 4 other; Charlotte, who's doing Eng & Ame. Lit; Zoe, whose doing Interior Design; Claire, Who's doing politics and Jasmine, whose doing architecture. Charlotte, Claire and Zoe all seem lovely. So does Jas, but i don't think she likes me :S
I then went and registered, where i got my Kent ID Card (It looks LAME!!) and then came back before going into Canterbury itself- IT IS RAD! we saw monks!!! AND I wore my first ever pair of Ray Ban!! OH MY GOD!!! There are trees and animals everywhere here, especially on campus- I've seen a million magpies, a mouse [:)] tons of rabbits and loads of squirrels- one even came into our kitchen!!! Twas Fab!!
Then we wandered some more, came back to uni, and after a while the famille left, but i won't write about that otherwise I'll get upset.
After they'd gone i freshened up my sob-fest-of-a-face and went for a wander around campus, where I saw the mouse and loads of rabbits. I didn't really go far, for fear of not being able to find my way back! After that me and my housemates went out, and we met up with a huge bunch of people- including 2 irish people!!!- and just sat chatting. I'll finish the rest after I've had a kip, it's 1:08am and I'm shattered!!
Goodnight, Amen
xXx
'Amen'? I remember when i used to say that. This really was long ago, wasn't it?
strange how quick it's gone!!
roll on third year :)
xXx
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)