So apparently there’s some kind of secret beacon emitting from our house that shouts out to all of moth kind “HEY!! MOTHS!!GET IN HERE!!!” They’ve grown particularly fond of spiralling down from the ceiling, as if from nowhere, into my face and hair at 3 in the morning as I’m running to the loo in order to pee. It doesn’t help. Especially since our loo is right at the top of our stairs, so any particular extravagant moth acrobatics could result in my own spiralling- down the stairs.
You see, at night we keep the upstairs landing light on in our house- this is because both my mum and I suffer from a serious, yet ultimately irrational, fear of the dark. Recently where it’s been so hot we’ve also had the landing window open. And therein lies the problem; Moths see light; Moths fly in; I get up; Moths fly at me. Last night was the worst one yet. There were well over 20 moths in our landing alone- and I’m not even exaggerating. Bleary eyed, and cursing my late night cup of tea at 1 in the morning (Why do I insist on having one? All that happens is I end up needing to pee at ridiculously times of the morning) I stumbled from my room and instantly about 5 were on me. Careful not to shriek and wake up everyone else, I simply batted them away frantically, whimpering, and earned some strange and curious looks from my cat Charlie (who was drinking from the china cup we put out on the landing next to the bathroom for her when she wants some water. Also she likes to drink whilst we brush our teeth at night, so she feels like she’s doing the same thing). After battling with the front line I went deeper into enemy territory and stumbled upon some heavy artillery in the form of a couple of Fat-Arse moths who wouldn’t have looked out of place battling ‘GOJIRA’. I woke my dad up at this moment whilst dodging a particularly vicious attack to my fringe, tripping over the chair on our landing and falling onto our banister. All I heard was a sleepy “AmywillyougobacktobedleavehtmothsaloZZZZZZ” and he was down. I finally made it to the loo, but as soon as I sat down another moth flew in through our loo window and began swerving around my head, edging nearer to my face. Moving clearly wasn’t an option so i just had to wave my hands around the top of my head like a little fan, trying to hit it away. I felt it touch my hand and freaked out, finished peeing and ran into the bathroom, seeking sanctuary (and a sink. I’m not a skank, I washed my hands, don’t worry. No amount of moth attack could stop me from doing that). I opened the door, saw a load of them waiting to spring yet another ambush and suddenly thought “Fuck it”, and ran into my room, dodging them as if they were dust covered, slow moving bullets, diving under my quilt and waited for Charlie to come and join me for fusses and the like.
I wouldn’t mind them so much if it wasn’t for the fact they seemed to be obsessed with my face. Ever since I was attacked by Mothra in Primark a few years back- I unfolded a towel and a moth the size of my hand shot out and smacked me in the face causing me to scream, run about and yelp in front a VERY full floor of desperate shoppers and my two sisters who, caringly, fell about laughing-
I just hate them flying towards me. They make me very nervous. For the same reason i hate daddy-long legs. Except that’s mostly because they look like giant spiders with wings.
And what’s with the dying thing after a few days thing?!? Sad, I know, but you’d think they’d try and make the most of it, catch a film, hook up with some sweet moth bootee, you know, but NO- they’re like kamikaze pilots!! They either spend their days flying constantly into bright and hot lights, flying into spiders webs or flying into your bath. WHAT IS THAT ABOUT?! Whenever i am in the bath or shower, if there is a moth in the room with you, no matter how much you try to prevent it, how much you swish them away or shout “NO! GET AWAY FROM THE WATER, DUMBASS!!” they still manage to just dive bomb into it- and once a moth lands in water that’s it. Because you can see all their precious moth dust, that looks like glitter, coming away in the bath water and somehow- even though you did EVERYTHING in your power to stop the moth from landing in the water- you feel guilty. As if you could have prevented it. Maybe if you hadn’t run the bath in the first place, or had the shower- maybe if you’d tried to catch it as soon as you saw it, or BEFORE YOU GOT IN THE BATH, IF POSSIBLE. You try and tell yourself “If it wasn’t my bath it would’ve been someone else’s”, but no. Ultimately your need to be clean ended the life of an innocent- well no, not innocent, er, naive young moth. And as it floats there you find yourself desperately rationalising you could save it- TRY AND SAVE IT!!! You fish it out with your hands, and the situation gets worse as you drop it once, then again, then it sinks a little, but finally you get it out of the water. You put it on the side, and blow on it, desperately trying to dry out it’s wings. But to no avail. The moth will never fly again. And you know at this point- because somehow the damn thing is still alive- you know you need to be merciful and kill the moth. And the only appropriate W.O.M.D (Weapon Of Moth Destruction) you have is your new bottle of Dove Repairing Treatment Conditioner ma just brought back from superdrug for you. And you don’t want to get it grubby with moth guts, but as you look down at it’s frail, dustless body you know you have no choice. And So endeth the life of yet another kamikaze moth.
So yeah. Moths; They’re not only useless but they’re frustrating. Kinda like Louis Walsh.
xXx
Tuesday 18 August 2009
Sunday 9 August 2009
tired=numpty
Little snippet today from work. I was V TIRED today, don't worry i have a day off tomorrow ^^, but by the end of the day the checkout was mistake central and the population was most definitely me.
At one point i tried to put a call out over the tannoy thing that should've sounded something like this;
"Colleague announcement: Ben Holt to the checkout please, thank you"
but instead it sounded like this;
"Colleague announcement: Ben, uh, wha- huh?Oh for god's sake"
Neat, huh? I also knocked a jar of coffee off of a shelf-stand thing and forgot to take customers cashback out of the till about 7 times. Paula must've felt like throwing the till keys at me by the end of the shift.
But HORRAH and HUZZAH because i haff tomorrow offffff. YEAAH BOIII!! and watch something. i dunno what, just something. Eli's staying over tonight cos Vic and John have a wedding thing to go to, and we've had a well good time.
OHH!! i just remembered i haff ice cream dans le freezer!! excellent.
xXx
I'm gonna go have a cup of tea. No, coffee.
At one point i tried to put a call out over the tannoy thing that should've sounded something like this;
"Colleague announcement: Ben Holt to the checkout please, thank you"
but instead it sounded like this;
"Colleague announcement: Ben, uh, wha- huh?Oh for god's sake"
Neat, huh? I also knocked a jar of coffee off of a shelf-stand thing and forgot to take customers cashback out of the till about 7 times. Paula must've felt like throwing the till keys at me by the end of the shift.
But HORRAH and HUZZAH because i haff tomorrow offffff. YEAAH BOIII!! and watch something. i dunno what, just something. Eli's staying over tonight cos Vic and John have a wedding thing to go to, and we've had a well good time.
OHH!! i just remembered i haff ice cream dans le freezer!! excellent.
xXx
I'm gonna go have a cup of tea. No, coffee.
Saturday 8 August 2009
blah blog
How ironic that on the day i visit the opticians i lose my glasses. Sigh. At least i still have my old ones- even if they do make me look like a mahusive nerd
This blog shall be short and sweet- because i'm tired and achey. not the best combination for wonderful musings and wonderings- moreso the perfect combination for crabbiness and angst. But we shall work with what we have children
Today was kinda honk, except from the last hour of work which was tres funny, courtesy of Dave and Ricky. I kept giving people the wrong change, but i saved a spider so it's swings and roundabouts atm
I better go- as i'm writing this i'm singing along to whatever Spotify throws at me, and Panders 'aint happy. Bye y'all
xXx
This blog shall be short and sweet- because i'm tired and achey. not the best combination for wonderful musings and wonderings- moreso the perfect combination for crabbiness and angst. But we shall work with what we have children
Today was kinda honk, except from the last hour of work which was tres funny, courtesy of Dave and Ricky. I kept giving people the wrong change, but i saved a spider so it's swings and roundabouts atm
I better go- as i'm writing this i'm singing along to whatever Spotify throws at me, and Panders 'aint happy. Bye y'all
xXx
Thursday 6 August 2009
Top 5 directors; Redux edition
In light of much more film viewage i need to update this bad-boy;
1)Steven Speilberg
2)Robert Zemeckis
3)Frank Darabont
4)JJ Abrams
5)Edgar Wright
those who narrowly missed out include; Joss Whedon, Michael Mann, Judd Apatow (a newcomer to the wonder circle, but he's earnt his place), Guillermo Del Toro and Michael Bay.
and my least favourite director?
Stephen Sommers. Dude, WTF?
xXx
1)Steven Speilberg
2)Robert Zemeckis
3)Frank Darabont
4)JJ Abrams
5)Edgar Wright
those who narrowly missed out include; Joss Whedon, Michael Mann, Judd Apatow (a newcomer to the wonder circle, but he's earnt his place), Guillermo Del Toro and Michael Bay.
and my least favourite director?
Stephen Sommers. Dude, WTF?
xXx
Wishful blogging
I wish i was cool kid enough to have written something like this in the first place. As it is i'm only re-blogging it from another blog
(where else would you be re-blogging it from you re-tard?)
(where else would you be re-blogging it from you re-tard?)
But alas, i am only cool kid enough to make myself some new glasses;
Me and my dad held hands and skipped through the town centre today. Ma and Eli refused to join in. Dad said 'That's cos you're not as cool as us- we're too cool for school' to which i said 'yeah, we're so cool, we're not cool enough for school'. Ma turned round and said 'So you're both admitting in school you weren't considered cool?'
We stopped skipping
...
But we started again as soon as she turned back around :D
xXx
Tuesday 4 August 2009
Semi-Live Somerfield
Is it just me, or does that title sound like some kind of supermarket soft porn?
Now there's a niche market.
I know I’ve been letting the world of wonderment side down and for this all I can do is apologise profusely. Well, it’s not all I can do but it’s all I can be bothered to do ^^
In order to counteract all the lack of blogness I have resolved to attempt to write a blog on here for every day I’m not writing one for http://georgeandcruden.tumblr.com. That way I can practice my writing and keep up with this bad boy. It’ll be my world on wonderment one year anniversary soon...ish. My word. One whole year of writing twaddle. Brilliant.
Anyhoo, in order to make up for missing so much here is something special- a semi-live blog from within the alternate reality that IS Somerfield. Enjoy. ‘Cos I sure as hell didn’t.
7:22am
I have been awake for 1 hour and 52 minutes. Why? Even though I had the answer to this question I kept asking it. The answer is ‘cos I had to start work at 7:00am, that’s why. Don’t think it’s a good enough answer? Nope, me neither. But eggs is eggs, and Somerfield is rubbish.
7:24am
Beccles looks strange at this time of the day. Kinda Post-Apocalyptic, like the beginning of 28 days later...
7:25am
If I see ANYTHING resembling a zombie, I’m gone. Screw Somerfield.
7:26am
ARGH ZOMBIE!! Oh...no, wait, it’s just an old man on a bike wearing questionably red bike shorts. You can understand my confusion- blood red travelling at a speed it shouldn’t be has zombie written all over it.
7:30am
Jackie just said “I wonder what kind of day it’s gonna be today?” and then my till signed itself off. Oh, if only it were that easy...
7:31am
The shop opened at 7 and so far I have served 2 people. Considering that fact I though the shop opened at 8 that’s more than I was expecting. Then again it’s more than I expected after learning it opened at 7...
7:33am
Ah...I get to experience the delight that is the early morning nutters. They’re ever so sprightly. I’m used to the afternoon ones you see, far more lethargic than these critters. I just had one bloke come in and ask me if the world had ended, to which I replied “Er... in the last half hour? No one’s except mine”. He then paid for something that was worth £5 with £7, even though all I did was take the £2 he gave me and give it back to him. He tipped an imaginary hat to me, walked outside to the other side of the town centre and jumped around a lamppost, blurted out “The World has ended already! We all missed out!!” and then skipped towards the pub. It wasn’t until I saw he was wearing lime green legwarmers that I realised he really was crazy though.
7:38am
Maybe that guy was right. Maybe the world has ended. There are literally NO people here whatsoever
7:41am
I can’t believe I’ve been here 41 minutes. How is that even possible, for time to move that slowly? Then again Somerfield is the Beccles equivalent to Sunnydale’s Hellmouth, and the basic laws of physics don’t apply here. That’s how they’re able to charge £2.50 for a punnet of grapes and call it a ‘Special Offer’
7:44am
My till keeps making me jump every time it signs off. Just to put into perspective how useless me standing here is, the till signs off after it hasn’t been used for like 7 minutes. It’s signed of now on 4 separate occasions. Of its own volition.
7:47am
Somerfield is usually overrun by wasps. At this moment in time there are no wasps. Wanna know why? ‘Cos even they’re not stupid enough to get up this early. Who even shops at 7 in the morning? WHO?!?! I have yet to serve anyone under the age of 35.
7:53am
GASP. An incredibly good looking freckly man has come into the shop. He has good hair (red- duh), nice build, and is quit tall. Oh I hope he buys something!
7:56am a quick look in the mirror bit of the till reveals what I have known all along- I am fugly. However, it’s also revealed something I didn’t know- at this time of the morning I’m 10 times fuglier. STUPID FRINGE BEHAVE!!
7:57am
ARGH HERE HE COMES!!
8:01am
I am a Smitten Kitten. Conversation was HAD, my friends- HAD. I’m already googling ‘wedding dresses’ on my phone. Hahah not really!! (coughs, looks shifty, hides phone). I made him laugh!!
FB (fittie blokey): (smiling) It’s nice to see such a lovely face in here at this time of the day...
Me: (BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH) Well, it’s nice to be paid such a lovely compliment in here at this time of the day...
FB: Oh really? So does it make waking up at...?
Me: 5:30...
FB: (grimaces. Even his grimacing was cute btw) Ouch! Well, does it make waking up at 5:30 worth it?
Me: (smiling)...almost... but I get given compliments like that at all times of the day, so the fact I had to wake up extra early in order to hear yours doesn’t exactly work in your favour, does it?
FB: (laughs loudly) No, not really. Well, how about if I came in here every hour to say something nice to you? Would that help?
Me (thinking) maybe- but you’d have to wait in line like everyone else
8:05am
I played it coooool. Except from blushing like an absolute numpty.
8:06am
Oh wow, over an hour has passed. Joy.
8:20am
An old man just came into the shop and it suddenly came over freezing cold- like I have Goosebumps on my arms and I’m shivering cold. As he came to the kiosk it got colder, and I was shivering whilst packing his bags, and then as soon as he left the shop it was warm again. Like literally as soon as he walked through the doors I was warm again. My hands got that tingly feeling that happens when you go from cold to hot really fast. Its proper freaked me out!! He seemed lovely though, so I don’t mind if we have an old man ghost in Somerfield
8:31am
A woman was just surprised by the fact I was old enough to sell her alcohol. When I told her I was actually 19 her mouth fell open!! She said she had thought I was about 16 years old, and would have to call my supervisor in order to sell it to her. DAMN STUPID ROUNDED FACE. Everyone always goes “ooohhhh, but you’ll appreciate it when you’re about 40 and people think you’re thirty something”. Well, yeah, fair enough- but I’m not 40 now am I?!?! Although apparently I’m not, believably, 19 either, so my age apparently has no agenda whatsoever. I’m such an enigma sometimes.
And that’s when Tilly came and took me off the tills, and I started delivery. VERY busy day today- I’m about to go have a brew with Panders, then watch Ugly Betty and then persuade Fozz and Kage to watch ‘Little Miss Sunshine’
xXx
Now there's a niche market.
I know I’ve been letting the world of wonderment side down and for this all I can do is apologise profusely. Well, it’s not all I can do but it’s all I can be bothered to do ^^
In order to counteract all the lack of blogness I have resolved to attempt to write a blog on here for every day I’m not writing one for http://georgeandcruden.tumblr.com. That way I can practice my writing and keep up with this bad boy. It’ll be my world on wonderment one year anniversary soon...ish. My word. One whole year of writing twaddle. Brilliant.
Anyhoo, in order to make up for missing so much here is something special- a semi-live blog from within the alternate reality that IS Somerfield. Enjoy. ‘Cos I sure as hell didn’t.
7:22am
I have been awake for 1 hour and 52 minutes. Why? Even though I had the answer to this question I kept asking it. The answer is ‘cos I had to start work at 7:00am, that’s why. Don’t think it’s a good enough answer? Nope, me neither. But eggs is eggs, and Somerfield is rubbish.
7:24am
Beccles looks strange at this time of the day. Kinda Post-Apocalyptic, like the beginning of 28 days later...
7:25am
If I see ANYTHING resembling a zombie, I’m gone. Screw Somerfield.
7:26am
ARGH ZOMBIE!! Oh...no, wait, it’s just an old man on a bike wearing questionably red bike shorts. You can understand my confusion- blood red travelling at a speed it shouldn’t be has zombie written all over it.
7:30am
Jackie just said “I wonder what kind of day it’s gonna be today?” and then my till signed itself off. Oh, if only it were that easy...
7:31am
The shop opened at 7 and so far I have served 2 people. Considering that fact I though the shop opened at 8 that’s more than I was expecting. Then again it’s more than I expected after learning it opened at 7...
7:33am
Ah...I get to experience the delight that is the early morning nutters. They’re ever so sprightly. I’m used to the afternoon ones you see, far more lethargic than these critters. I just had one bloke come in and ask me if the world had ended, to which I replied “Er... in the last half hour? No one’s except mine”. He then paid for something that was worth £5 with £7, even though all I did was take the £2 he gave me and give it back to him. He tipped an imaginary hat to me, walked outside to the other side of the town centre and jumped around a lamppost, blurted out “The World has ended already! We all missed out!!” and then skipped towards the pub. It wasn’t until I saw he was wearing lime green legwarmers that I realised he really was crazy though.
7:38am
Maybe that guy was right. Maybe the world has ended. There are literally NO people here whatsoever
7:41am
I can’t believe I’ve been here 41 minutes. How is that even possible, for time to move that slowly? Then again Somerfield is the Beccles equivalent to Sunnydale’s Hellmouth, and the basic laws of physics don’t apply here. That’s how they’re able to charge £2.50 for a punnet of grapes and call it a ‘Special Offer’
7:44am
My till keeps making me jump every time it signs off. Just to put into perspective how useless me standing here is, the till signs off after it hasn’t been used for like 7 minutes. It’s signed of now on 4 separate occasions. Of its own volition.
7:47am
Somerfield is usually overrun by wasps. At this moment in time there are no wasps. Wanna know why? ‘Cos even they’re not stupid enough to get up this early. Who even shops at 7 in the morning? WHO?!?! I have yet to serve anyone under the age of 35.
7:53am
GASP. An incredibly good looking freckly man has come into the shop. He has good hair (red- duh), nice build, and is quit tall. Oh I hope he buys something!
7:56am a quick look in the mirror bit of the till reveals what I have known all along- I am fugly. However, it’s also revealed something I didn’t know- at this time of the morning I’m 10 times fuglier. STUPID FRINGE BEHAVE!!
7:57am
ARGH HERE HE COMES!!
8:01am
I am a Smitten Kitten. Conversation was HAD, my friends- HAD. I’m already googling ‘wedding dresses’ on my phone. Hahah not really!! (coughs, looks shifty, hides phone). I made him laugh!!
FB (fittie blokey): (smiling) It’s nice to see such a lovely face in here at this time of the day...
Me: (BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH) Well, it’s nice to be paid such a lovely compliment in here at this time of the day...
FB: Oh really? So does it make waking up at...?
Me: 5:30...
FB: (grimaces. Even his grimacing was cute btw) Ouch! Well, does it make waking up at 5:30 worth it?
Me: (smiling)...almost... but I get given compliments like that at all times of the day, so the fact I had to wake up extra early in order to hear yours doesn’t exactly work in your favour, does it?
FB: (laughs loudly) No, not really. Well, how about if I came in here every hour to say something nice to you? Would that help?
Me (thinking) maybe- but you’d have to wait in line like everyone else
8:05am
I played it coooool. Except from blushing like an absolute numpty.
8:06am
Oh wow, over an hour has passed. Joy.
8:20am
An old man just came into the shop and it suddenly came over freezing cold- like I have Goosebumps on my arms and I’m shivering cold. As he came to the kiosk it got colder, and I was shivering whilst packing his bags, and then as soon as he left the shop it was warm again. Like literally as soon as he walked through the doors I was warm again. My hands got that tingly feeling that happens when you go from cold to hot really fast. Its proper freaked me out!! He seemed lovely though, so I don’t mind if we have an old man ghost in Somerfield
8:31am
A woman was just surprised by the fact I was old enough to sell her alcohol. When I told her I was actually 19 her mouth fell open!! She said she had thought I was about 16 years old, and would have to call my supervisor in order to sell it to her. DAMN STUPID ROUNDED FACE. Everyone always goes “ooohhhh, but you’ll appreciate it when you’re about 40 and people think you’re thirty something”. Well, yeah, fair enough- but I’m not 40 now am I?!?! Although apparently I’m not, believably, 19 either, so my age apparently has no agenda whatsoever. I’m such an enigma sometimes.
And that’s when Tilly came and took me off the tills, and I started delivery. VERY busy day today- I’m about to go have a brew with Panders, then watch Ugly Betty and then persuade Fozz and Kage to watch ‘Little Miss Sunshine’
xXx
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