21

I'm writing this on the eve of my 21st Birthday. I figured since it's a milestone I should write an awesome blog which is really reflective, deep and meaningful; philisophical phillosophical philosophical, even. A blog which demonstrates just how far my writing has come, and how paying over £3000 for higher education is really worth it. But then I had to double check how to spell 'philosophical' so I gave up on that last one.

Had the thirteen year old me known about myself what the almost-twenty-one year old me now does I wouldn't have worried half as much. When I started to think about it more, I wondered what I would actually say to thirteen year old me, as I'm just about to start high school. If there were ten things I could say, what would those ten things be?

Amy's Guide to Amy
1) Don't let mum & dad persuade you that a bowl-cut style fringe will neither be ridiculed nor look ridiculous. they are liars.
2) Don't take Chemistry at AS Level; your teacher will tell you there's little-to-no maths involved, and she too will be lying. You will want to cry after every lesson and will end up with an E grade.
3) Don't fall for that guy in your first ever physics lesson. Unless you want the next 5 years to be a mixture of confusing, frustrating and generally wasted.
4) If someone tells you you're fat, tell them to fuck off. I know at this age you hate swearing, but believe me, that won't last much longer either. You're gorgeous; ignore them.
5) In Sixth Form, when you and Joe C think it's a really funny idea to put the bins in E8 on your head and run towards each other playing 'Bin Wars', with Jack filming it, DON'T DO IT. At the last minute Joe ducks and your headache begins when you smash to the ground and doesn't end until half-way through the next day.
6) Old habits die hard- but try to not worry what other people think. Cos you do, WAY to much.
7) When you and Jack G decided to play with that drill in your Resistant Materials lesson, make sure Jack G stands further away from you so that he doesn't get hit by that flying plank of wood. Also- when the guy with the shaved eyebrow points a staple gun at you, don't say "You wouldn't dare!", because he would, sweetie; The staple gun held in his hand as a weapon should be enough to tell you that anyway.
8) When walking away from the computer room in F corridor, don't think it hilarious to flick Gavin M and Jack G the V sign- Mr Edwards will catch you, and he will shout in your face so loudly that you will run back to A2 whilst trying desperately not to cry, and be slightly terrified of him from that moment onwards.
9) Using the epic song 'I'm Your Man' by Wham! in your (later victorious) Head Girl speech will go down a treat.
10) Some people are going to be a lot harder to let go of than others, but it's all neccessary. The weight falling off your shoulders feels incredible, and makes you realise how much you were being held back by the people you thought cared for you.

When I was writing that I started thinking 'Wait, they're all school related' but between the ages of like 10-18 everything IS school related. Well, it was for me. Now everything's Uni related, and in a few months time it'll be OH GOD THEY'VE PULLED THE SOFT CUSHION OF EDUCATION FROM UNDERNEATH ME WHAT IN THE NAME OF WHAT DO I DO NOW?? related. Then in about 5 years time it'll be Oh, hello BAFTA award related and in 10 Oh HEYY Academy Award for Best Original Screenplay related. mebbe. :)

I've achieved a lot of the things I'd wanted to by the time I was 21. And I think it's pretty cool that I know what I want to do with my life. It's just the idea of officially being an adult and expected to go out and do those things to the best of your ability and achieve YOUR LIFE'S GOAL is quite daunting. Because for me I feel like this is it, now; I have to start living my life. The things I want I now have to achieve; I want to become a writer so I have to become a writer; I want to live in London so I have to find a way to move to, and stay in, London; I want to marry Joseph Gordon-Levitt, so I have to meet and find a way to enthrall* Joseph Gordon-Levitt (*read kidnap). The fact is, growing up is suddenly a phrase that holds more meaning to it. I am officially an adult, and as such my life is my own; as are my successes, my mistakes, my responsibilties and my goals. There's no one else to fall back on, I am actually growing up. It's scary.

When you grow up, do you have to stop randomly making cat noises?
...What do you mean that it's not socially acceptable at any age?
WELL NOBODY TOLD ME.

xXx

Why my degree will mean sod all when I've finished it

A quote from a piece of text given to us by our Modernism seminar leader. The text is written by Martin Heidigger and is entitled 'Poetry, Language, Thought'.

This extract is taken from the chapter, 'Thing and Work'

"What in truth is the thing, so far as it is a thing? When we inquire in this way, our aim is to come to know the thing-being (thingness) of the thing. The point is to discover the thingly chracter of the thing. To this end we have to be aquainted with the sphere to which all those entitites belong which we have long called by the name of thing."

...
Yeah. Me Neither.
xXx

Distracted

Me: Emma, why can't I talk like a normal person?
Emma: Because you're Amy.
Me: AH! I seeee....Is that a good enough excuse though?
Emma: More specifically, you're Amy George
Me:...I- I just feel like other people couldn't get away with it. I mean obviously they're not me, so I suppose that would make sense, but- OH SHIT I put something in the oven and completely forgot about it!!!
*runs frantically downstairs*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! it's burnt!!! OH WHYYYYY???WHYYYYYYY?

xXx

The Lion King (of my heart)

One of the greatest moments in cinema; One of the finest songs in the world; Rowan Atkinson voicing a toucan AND it has cartoon lion cubs riding on the back of ostriches. What MORE could you want?

<3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

xXx

LOUD NOISES

There was just a sound outside that very much resembled the sound of a Spaceship or something. like a 'wer-wer-wer-wer-WUM-WUM-WUM-werwerwer' sound. Yeah, that makes sense.

Tonight has been a night of strange sounds, actually. whilst doing the washing up, my sink tried to swallow my kitchen in it's entirety with an almighty 'SLURP'. I got kinda freaked out because of how loud it was, pulled my arms back quickly and accidentally knocked a mug off of the side. Sigh. Poor mug. R.I.P.

Then the washing machine made a noise that suggested at any moment Leonardo DiCaprio would waltz in with Ellen Page, Tom Hardy and (my future husband) Joseph Gordon-Levitt to talk to me about dreams. This was especially weird seeing as the washing machine wasn't even on at the time.

I took out the rubbish and when I closed the bin lid it sounded like a gunshot. I then went back to my front door mimicking gun shots with my hands in the shape of pistols and walking like a cowboy. Luckily it was dark, so no one saw; but I had put on the first shoes I could get hold of, which just happened to be my purple stilettos which are actually too big for me, and I was wearing baggy pyjama bottoms, so I'm sure if anyone did see me they would've thought I looked super cool.

Whilst I was in the bathroom I heard my neighbours having sex. Me and Emma always hear our neighbours; the walls between these houses are made out of what's commonly referred to as 'tracing paper', and our neighbours are very loud; whenever they open/close their front door door it sounds like someone opening/closing our front door. Then there was that EPIC moment when I was peeing and the guy who's bedroom is adjacent to our bathroom started playing the Mortal Kombat theme tune. I can't complain about that, really, though, because it was made of wow. But yeah, I was brushing my teeth and heard the tell-tale 'ohhhh' of a fella getting SOME. At first I was like 'Wait, I can't hear anyone else, EWW what if I'm accidentally listening to him making out with Mrs right?' but then the lady started up and I felt like less of a pervert. I don't know why in my head it was better to hear the sex noises of two people rather than just one. Probably because getting laid is cooler than giving yourself a friendly wave.

xXx

I'm still a bit 'meh', blogger

xXx

It is only really within the last year that I have become fully comfortable with both my body and appearance; and even now, my close friends will tell you that I occasionally still berate them with questions of 'Do I look ok?' 'Is my face too round?' 'Do my glasses make me look like a loser?' 'Do I look pregnant today? I feel like I look pregnant today' until they snap and tell me to shut the hell up. Every woman – and, let's face it, man- has insecurities that will inevitably plague them throughout their lives; whether they be those of a physical or psychological nature, they do exist. There is no such thing as a person who is 100% happy with they way they look.

However, there are people who are comfortable enough with the way they look; so much so that they do not allow how they look to become the be-all and end-all of their lives. Despite sometimes falling at the hurdle, I do now believe I fit into this category. I've always been a girl with more to her than most- ever since I was little. There are some insanely cute pictures of me that would make even the burliest of characters coo and aww, and my rounded features are to blame; I think they are also probably the main reason as to why most people who don't know me find it hard to believe I'm almost 21. That and my [lack of] height.

When I was younger, I was bullied for my size, and I always knew I was big- my younger sister has always been very slim, but I couldn't understand why she was so different to me; we ate the same things, in the same amounts, and exercised the same amount too. So why was she slim whilst I was tubby?? I tried everything; watching what I ate, doing more exercise. In the end I started skipping meals altogether. And my size never changed. Then University happened; and I realised that the reason me and my sister are different sizes was just that; We ARE different. There was nothing I could do to change my body size, so why spend so much time worrying about the fact that I am how I am? So I decided to stop doing so, and from that point on I have been very happy.

My body type is such that I am curvy, but also rounded. I'm not afraid to share that I'm a size 14-16, and my weight is somewhere around 150 pounds. I wear leggings because I find them more comfortable, and I hate to wear jeans. This is also because whenever I try jeans on, this happens; in New Look I'm a size 16; in Topshop I'm 14; in River Island I'm 16 and in H&M I'm a size 20. Which- btw- they don't stock. So I stick with leggings, where I'm always a size 14. Much less hassle. When it comes to buying dresses or tops btw, my size differentiates between 12- 20 in those high street shops, too. But unless I walked around topless, there's no real way I can get around that one.

I'm sharing this information with you because I feel I need to give myself a little bit of a slap. Of late, I have started, once again to worry and worry and worry about my weight. I have started to wear tops that I know are loose fitting, and ensure outfits I wear out are comfortable to the point of casual. I contemplate not eating something because I know that I'm not really supposed to- a chocolate bar, for instance, or a packet of crisps. If I do eat these things I then suffer from immense feelings of guilt, and spend the next day forcing myself to walk everywhere and anywhere, in a desperate attempt to make up for my 'gluttony'. I even heard myself asking for non-fat milk in Starbucks the other day- I swear I didn't even know that was actual a thing that existed.

Today I had a McDonalds for dinner, because I had to leave straight from work (last day boo) at 5 to go onto campus, and didn't have time to go home and cook. I'd been working from 11 and was absolutely starving, so rushed in, ate and then got to campus. Since then I have been feeling nothing but guilt. Half an hour ago I was sat in my kitchen, and my stomach rumbled. My mind instantly started telling me how horrible and disgusting I was, for being hungry yet again, and I felt awful. My head started going through the motions of what I would do tomorrow in order to make up for my gluttony of today, and that's when I realised I was crying; I had convinced myself in my head that I was a bad person for eating what I wanted, so much so that I had started to cry. I ran up to my room, picked up my laptop and started typing. And what you're reading is the result of a very confused and upset Amy.

Whilst I'd like to say that I don't know what has brought on all of this old behaviour, I would also be lying. To say that my self-esteem has plummeted in the last month or so would be the understatement of the century, and it can all be related back to one thing which so many people will tell me I'm being silly about; I am still single. I have had one boyfriend, (when I was 16, for a month) and since then...nothing. It wouldn't be so bad, were it not for the fact that the people who are around me all of the time – both at University and at home- have got someone. All of my siblings are in long-term relationships, and all of my close uni friends are either in relationships or seeing someone. This time of year is especially bad, seeing as relationship status is the chosen topic of the month of February, but all in all I just feel a little lonely sometimes. This might strike some people as being desperately sad, but I'm only being honest. And the truth is that it is affecting how I feel about myself and the way I look; It's quite scary, really, that something so trivial can do such a thing. But I suppose then again it's the little things in life that bug us the most...Worrying too much about what other people think is something that has always been a problem for me.

I'm sure I'll be alright soon enough; I know that deep down I am the way I am and that I'm comfortable with it. I'll get back to my old ways of really not giving a fuck what other people think of how I look. But for now I think I'll climb into my baggy Top Gun hoodie, listen to Paolo Nutini, cuddle up with Orange Ted and wait for all this to blow over

xXx

Greatest Tumblr ever

Google may shoot me for promoting tumblr whilst using blogger. But this? This needs,THIS NEEDS TO BE SHARED

http://tomhanksimals.tumblr.com/

You're welcome

xXx