Writing

If writing supposed to be honest then i can't honestly say i have nothing to write about. What i can say in all honesty is that i'm scared to write about a lot of things. Whether personal, humorous, factual, opinionated- it's all there, pounding at my brain to make my hand pick up a pen, but i'm scared to show it. There's a level of insecurity about my behaviour, sure; I mean i KNOW i'm a good writer, writing is what i do, and i'm aware that to KNOW what you are and what you want to do with yourself for the rest of your life at the age of 20 is a fantastically rare occurrence and i'm thankful for it. But to showcase all those little sentences and quotes and scenes that sporadically fill my mind- to literally hand what i'm thinking to someone on a piece of paper, or post a link to it online...there's a seriously intense level of fear that comes with doing that. What if they don't like it? what if it offends someone? what if it turns out that in the eyes of everyone i'm actually NOT a writer, but simply a young woman with a lot to moan and be sarcastic about?

Opinion sits over mys shoulder, watching and waiting to help me fall at the first hurdle. And i'm terrified that i'm going to end up letting it hold me back. The less i put out there, the less chance there is of someone telling me what i've written isn't good enough and there's a rickety carriage in my train of thought filled with ideas that are incredibly happy to do just that- to not write anything, or at least to write and then not to show anyone. You know what i mean; you'll be on a roll, your mind teeming and going faster than ever before, the wheels gliding over the tracks, you're working and working but then- that one carriage, somewhere in the back, in amongst your best ideas, just rocks ever so slightly. Just falls out of turn with the others, and the whole things slows down, treads carefully and loses momentum. The passion falls out of what you're doing and so the doubt finds a way to slip in easier and THAT'S when you stop. and then when you start moving again again you're too scared to push yourself to go faster so you ride along at at a speed laid out for you by somebody who doesn't know your capability or your potential. and you fall into the trap of an easy life.

I want to be a teacher, in the same way that i wanted a summer job this year- I need the money, and i need it to be reliable. A writer's income is never reliable from the word go- it just doesn't happen. so until i become successful enough to work just as a writer I'll work as a teacher and write on the side. But what if i become too comfortable? I'll have a steady income, hopefully be living where i wish to and I'll have an everyday, reliable life. Suddenly the fear that comes with writing seems excessive- why put myself through that when i could just...stay the way i am?

One part of my mind- the one that sounds a lot like my mother- insists that becoming a teacher is a necessity. The other part tells me that i cannot fall into the pattern of an easy life. It tells me that things you want you have to work hard for and won't ever come easy. And that part of my mind doesn't have a voice which lets me know that it's me, I'm telling myself that, and that those thoughts come from no one else. I think that's the voice that i REALLY need to start paying more attention to...

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