First time

I was so panicky it was insane. I'd never done it before, and Ben was just looking at me so expectantly...Like if i didn't do it properly i was just less of a person.

It's not my fault i've never done it before! I mean, I thought hardly anyone had done it. It's not like I've not had plenty of chances to, I really have. And i've thought about doing it before now, but always chickened out at the last minute. I just wanted to wait until I felt comfortable enough to do it, in the right moment, at completely the right time. Make sure i had enough of a reason. There's nothing wrong with that right?

I was trembling so much when it came to it. I'd gotten the message loud and clear from Ben who, although only wanted for me to be comfortable and happy before doing the deed, i could tell had been waiting for weeks now for me to finally pull myself together and just...get on with it. So many things were running through my head as i got ready. What do i do? Is there like an order in which things happen? What if it was too much for me, what if i freaked out halfway through and just completely made an arse out of myself in-front of him? everyone would know i mucked up, they'd hear about it.

Then i started trying to calm myself down. It's not THAT big a deal, right? Everyone's done it. Right? Just relax...make sure you're ready, don't rush into anything you're not prepared for. What if it isn't even that amazing? What if i do it and then blargh, that's it? Done. No fireworks, no banner congratulating me on finally doing it. What if i've built it up so much in my head that when it finally happens, i'm left feeling listless and a little annoyed and bored?

But i threw caution to the wind, and told Ben i was ready. AND SO he handed me the mic and I made my first announcement over the tannoy system to the customers in Tesco Beccles. And it turned out it really wasn't that big a deal, even though i did muck up a little.

Why, what did you think i was talking about?

xXx