It is only really within the last year that I have become fully comfortable with both my body and appearance; and even now, my close friends will tell you that I occasionally still berate them with questions of 'Do I look ok?' 'Is my face too round?' 'Do my glasses make me look like a loser?' 'Do I look pregnant today? I feel like I look pregnant today' until they snap and tell me to shut the hell up. Every woman – and, let's face it, man- has insecurities that will inevitably plague them throughout their lives; whether they be those of a physical or psychological nature, they do exist. There is no such thing as a person who is 100% happy with they way they look.

However, there are people who are comfortable enough with the way they look; so much so that they do not allow how they look to become the be-all and end-all of their lives. Despite sometimes falling at the hurdle, I do now believe I fit into this category. I've always been a girl with more to her than most- ever since I was little. There are some insanely cute pictures of me that would make even the burliest of characters coo and aww, and my rounded features are to blame; I think they are also probably the main reason as to why most people who don't know me find it hard to believe I'm almost 21. That and my [lack of] height.

When I was younger, I was bullied for my size, and I always knew I was big- my younger sister has always been very slim, but I couldn't understand why she was so different to me; we ate the same things, in the same amounts, and exercised the same amount too. So why was she slim whilst I was tubby?? I tried everything; watching what I ate, doing more exercise. In the end I started skipping meals altogether. And my size never changed. Then University happened; and I realised that the reason me and my sister are different sizes was just that; We ARE different. There was nothing I could do to change my body size, so why spend so much time worrying about the fact that I am how I am? So I decided to stop doing so, and from that point on I have been very happy.

My body type is such that I am curvy, but also rounded. I'm not afraid to share that I'm a size 14-16, and my weight is somewhere around 150 pounds. I wear leggings because I find them more comfortable, and I hate to wear jeans. This is also because whenever I try jeans on, this happens; in New Look I'm a size 16; in Topshop I'm 14; in River Island I'm 16 and in H&M I'm a size 20. Which- btw- they don't stock. So I stick with leggings, where I'm always a size 14. Much less hassle. When it comes to buying dresses or tops btw, my size differentiates between 12- 20 in those high street shops, too. But unless I walked around topless, there's no real way I can get around that one.

I'm sharing this information with you because I feel I need to give myself a little bit of a slap. Of late, I have started, once again to worry and worry and worry about my weight. I have started to wear tops that I know are loose fitting, and ensure outfits I wear out are comfortable to the point of casual. I contemplate not eating something because I know that I'm not really supposed to- a chocolate bar, for instance, or a packet of crisps. If I do eat these things I then suffer from immense feelings of guilt, and spend the next day forcing myself to walk everywhere and anywhere, in a desperate attempt to make up for my 'gluttony'. I even heard myself asking for non-fat milk in Starbucks the other day- I swear I didn't even know that was actual a thing that existed.

Today I had a McDonalds for dinner, because I had to leave straight from work (last day boo) at 5 to go onto campus, and didn't have time to go home and cook. I'd been working from 11 and was absolutely starving, so rushed in, ate and then got to campus. Since then I have been feeling nothing but guilt. Half an hour ago I was sat in my kitchen, and my stomach rumbled. My mind instantly started telling me how horrible and disgusting I was, for being hungry yet again, and I felt awful. My head started going through the motions of what I would do tomorrow in order to make up for my gluttony of today, and that's when I realised I was crying; I had convinced myself in my head that I was a bad person for eating what I wanted, so much so that I had started to cry. I ran up to my room, picked up my laptop and started typing. And what you're reading is the result of a very confused and upset Amy.

Whilst I'd like to say that I don't know what has brought on all of this old behaviour, I would also be lying. To say that my self-esteem has plummeted in the last month or so would be the understatement of the century, and it can all be related back to one thing which so many people will tell me I'm being silly about; I am still single. I have had one boyfriend, (when I was 16, for a month) and since then...nothing. It wouldn't be so bad, were it not for the fact that the people who are around me all of the time – both at University and at home- have got someone. All of my siblings are in long-term relationships, and all of my close uni friends are either in relationships or seeing someone. This time of year is especially bad, seeing as relationship status is the chosen topic of the month of February, but all in all I just feel a little lonely sometimes. This might strike some people as being desperately sad, but I'm only being honest. And the truth is that it is affecting how I feel about myself and the way I look; It's quite scary, really, that something so trivial can do such a thing. But I suppose then again it's the little things in life that bug us the most...Worrying too much about what other people think is something that has always been a problem for me.

I'm sure I'll be alright soon enough; I know that deep down I am the way I am and that I'm comfortable with it. I'll get back to my old ways of really not giving a fuck what other people think of how I look. But for now I think I'll climb into my baggy Top Gun hoodie, listen to Paolo Nutini, cuddle up with Orange Ted and wait for all this to blow over

xXx