Living the dream

I'm almost halfway through my third and final year of Uni and i'm terrified. I genuinely avoid thinking about what's going to happen come next June when I'm kicked out of the warm cocoon of education into the Big Bad World to make it by myself. Even more so because I was stupid enough to dedicate my life to a career which revolves far too much around luck and perfect timing; i actually question my sanity, considering I'm the least 'lucky' person I know and i'm always late. But I need to stop having panic attacks everytime someone asks me what I want to do after Uni and start trying to sort myself out.

After Uni has finished I will have to live at home. That's just the way it is. But for me, this is one of the most terrifying prospects- I love seeing my family, don't get me wrong. They're amazing and I think the world of them. But to go from being entirely independent, from having more freedom then my mind can deal with sometimes, back to this scheduled place where there are rules and regulations, where I can't even get a text message without being asked who it's from? It makes me sad. I'm the kind of person who needs things to be happening in order to keep my head above water. The summer before i left for Uni I had 4 months off, and couldn't find work- i actually became depressed, simply because there was nothing to do, nothing to motivate me, nothing to push me to act on all the ideas i had or the things I wanted to do. Beccles is wonderful; if you go there on holiday. For someone like me it's the worst place to live. Everyone there is happy to have these quiet, sensible lives, and be normal, no one pushes any boundaries and no one expects to make much of themselves. I know that for some, if not most, people the idea of marrying your childhood sweetheart and setting up home and having a secure job and house in the country is the the ideal and there's nothing wrong with that! it's awesome if that's what you want from life, kudos for finding it. But I'm not like that. I need more. I needed to leave home, and the person i've become since i left for Uni? I wish i could go back to 17-18 year old Amy and just say to her "This? This isn't it. You're nowhere near finding yourself yet, chin up. it's gonna be alright". I guess it's a good thing that i didn't have to wait that long to find out.

But now i'm facing the prospect of having to go back to that, back to there and i'm terrified i'm gonna sink. I'm having trouble keeping my head above water as it is, but once i've gone back to that quiet secluded part of my life i fear i'm just going to fall back into place. Sure i won't fit at first, but it's got a knack of making you into something you're not, Beccles.

The plan was to take a year out to raise money, go to New Zealand with Connie and then study in London. London... I just KNOW once i get there i'll find exactly what i'm looking for. It's the most wonderful combination of pessimism and magical whimsy that I need to support my similar personality. It's unreal in it's wonder; The size of it- you can walk three minutes and find yourself in a whole other world; the sheer mass of people that surround you, and bustle you; the shapes, the beauty that envelopes the skyline, the streets. I once stood between two glass buildings whilst the sun went down and their reflections danced off of each other on either side of me, seemingly reaching the clouds and carrying on into the sky. It's breathtaking. But whilst being unreal it's so sensible, too, and kind of freakishly normal; the people there go to work, go home, and repeat as needed; some of the roads are so full of traffic you have to yell in order to hold a conversation; there are a ridiculous amount of Starbucks; pigeons OWN you. And yet you leave work, look up and see the building you've just left was built to look like a boat. Or you turn and see a light projection bouncing off the wall opposite you, showing you someones artistic efforts and imagination. You walk from one of those Starbucks and you find yourself stood between two massive stone Lions. Or next to a gigantic wheel that spins people around. Or outside a gate that stands before a palace- YES AN ACTUAL PALACE. Lewis Carroll couldn't write that shit man, there is A PALACE in the middle of a bustling city. The magic of it is... it's so strangely compelling and out of place. But it works, and my heart aches a little at the thought of not living there.

The more i think about the things i want the more terrified i become at the prospect of not achieving any of them. But i need to put myself out there and risk losing a lot in order to get back what i want from life. I know that i will live in London one day, and whilst part of my mind thinks 'not for a while, though' the other part of my mind says 'er...why's that then? why not just do something about it and see what happens?'. Well, crazy, impulsive part of my mind that sounds a little like the narrator from (500) Days of Summer. I think i will.

xXx