Bun in the Oven

When it comes to children, I'm a little less than enthusiastic. Or at least, I used to be. But very recently things have started to change in my mind, and I feel like the only person I can blame is my 4 year old nephew; Eli.

The career I'm heading for (believe me, there's no question that i'll win that academy award for best original screenplay one day...) is one that needs a person to be selfish and dedicated. I need to be driven and i need to push myself, and put myself in compromising and unreliable situations; being a writer doesn't always- or often- ensure that the bills get paid or that there is food on the table. So whenever someone asked me "Do you want children in the future?" or even spoken about the prospect of children i have shuddered away from the subject with a swift "Not likely". I said that i have enough brothers and sisters so that I can get the 'kid buzz' off of them and then not have any of the responsibility. I always said "I can't even take care of myself, so how the hell would i be able to take care of a child??"

When Eli was born it was the most wonderful thing that's ever happened in my life. I thought i knew love; I thought i loved my family more than i could love anything, and i thought i knew what it meant to actually love someone with everything you have. And then i held Eli for the first time in that hospital and the...it's hard to describe, but it was like a wave of pure, undiluted love and adulation smacked me right in the face and woke me up to the potential of a life, as naff as that sounds. There, in that moment i genuinely realised that until i'd held him i had no idea what real love was. Eli was truly...just the greatest thing in our lives. The purest thing.

Now i'm not saying that as soon as Eli was born all these anti-children feelings disappeared. Actually, it was kinda the opposite, and if anything it was seeing the work and effort and responsibility that comes with having a child that allowed these feelings to develop. I have nothing but the utmost respect for both my older sister, Vicki, and my brother-in-law, John, in seeing how they've handled whatever's come their way when it comes to Eli, but for the entire 4 years, watching him grow up has just terrified me into convincing myself that i would be a horrible mother, and that it would be unfair on any kid if they ended up with me as a mum.

But recently rather than a feeling of repulsion at the sight of a baby- the number of times Katie has pointed out a 'cute' baby and i've recoiled in horror are countless- i've kind of had a fluttering in my tummy and a skip of my heart. Eli has grown up to be the coolest person i know, and even though spending time with him and looking after him is just as hard as it ever was it suddenly seems worth it. As if all the responsibility and fear that comes with having a little life depend on you is watered down, and manageable. Of course, Vic and John are pretty much the ultimate tag-team so it's not as terrifying a prospect, but that's also helped change my idea on relationships. I always thought they were too much hassle and not worth the time of day. And that ultimately i was happy just being by myself. but they really are worth it, if you have the right one. And i found myself thinking that maybe one day it wouldn't be the worst thing to fall in love and find a life with someone, and then have kids of my own. maybe it could actually be the greatest thing to happen to me since...well, Eli.

Natural human instinct is an incredible thing. When Eli cries we all instantly descend on him to see what's wrong- the noise of a baby crying pulls at you and distresses you so much that you HAVE to find out as soon as possible what is wrong with the child. That's human instinct. The way your whole soul melts as soon as you hold a new life, and how your body instantly yearns and plucks a random thought from the back of your mind that says 'children are a good idea, have a baby!'- that's a natural human instinct. The whole science behind it makes the whole thing less fairytale and whimsical, but the reason you're so in love with your child is basically down to the fact that we need to reproduce and then keep our family safe in the hope they grow, reproduce and carry on the human race. That's it in layman's terms.

But i don't think about it like that anymore. This isn't me declaring that within the next year i'm going to get married and have lots of babies. NO WAY. Are you kidding?!? There's the small issue of final year of university, then my PGCE. and how am i sposed to pull the gorgeous french student who's FINALLY come back after a year away with a bun all up in my oven?? Right now i'm not wanting a gaggle of tiny geek-children to keep me company. But as i get a little older my body's finally letting me know that actually i'm not gonna suck at the mum thing as much as i fear i might. Now all i need is for either David Tennant, Rupert Grint or Joseph Gordon-Levitt to find me so we can start with the whole 'falling in love' thing.

I'm not gonna use the term 'body clock' cos it pisses me off. but that little bugger Eli has kick started something in me.

Pfft. Kids, huh? Who needs 'em?
:)

xXx