Why i would be a rubbish footballer

If i was a footballer I'd find it really hard not to kick the football into the nearest goal, even if it wasn't the one I'm supposed to be shooting at; I'd just see a goal and my foot would naturally try it's hardest to get the ball into that goal. It'd resemble something like this;

"OOH football!!Run-Run-Run-Run-Huh?OMG A GOAL!! MUST SCORE! MUST SCORE!! Get round this bloke, get round this bloke, ARGH THE GOALIE! Get out of the way, silly man, i need to score!! (Shoots balls) YESS!! YES IT'S IN!!I SCORED A GOOOOAAAL!! I- wait...why is no one else cheeri- oh. oh dear. I did it again,didn't I? That- that's not the right goal, is it? No? Shit."

I think my boobs are too big, too. Not only would there be a continuous stream of 'Footballs down your shirt' themed jokery, but I'd probably end up either knocking myself out or breaking my back with all that running. My inherent clumsiness would be another drag on the teams efficiency- my inability to walk in a straight line and total lack of spatial awareness would probably be considered less of a cute thing and more of a mentally challenged thing. I could get loads of free kicks and penalties though; I go down so easily... That last sentence makes me sound more like a WAG then a footballer.

I'd make everything into a double entendre too;
Manly Football Man: So, any preferred position?
Me:...Excuse me?
MFM: Well, we need to know which is your favourite position. you know, in order to make the most of you.
Me:That's personal information!! There's no way i'm telling you that!! Take your blokes, and your balls, elsewhere!!!

On top of all of this, I'd probably really annoy all my other footballer friends by humming the MOTD theme song all the time whilst playing. Occasionally i get both that tune and the intro to Johnny Cash's 'Ring Of Fire' mucked up, so that would only add to the annoyance factor. They do sound the same though, sometimes. In my head anyway...

All of these things would be a massive problem if I played professionally, but seeing as i don't even play unprofessionally I doubt they ever will be

xXx