(Amy wanders into the kitchen, having decided that she would like to have some of the spotted dick that Mum made Dad for Father's Day)
Amy: Hehe...spotted dick...
(She decides that it'll be no good unless there's custard to have with it, and after a quick rummage through her cupboards discovers some lovely bird's eye instant custard)
Amy: CUSTAAARD!! om nom nom nom
(She pours the custard into the measuring jug, and then decides to read the instructions)
Amy: Hmm...add sugar and milk? what, before the water? That seems weird... Ah well, i spose if it says it on the packet
(She, carefully, spills sugar everywhere before managing to get two tablespoons into the jug, then adds the boling water, having forgotten about addin-)
Amy:SHIT!! i forgot the milk!!
(There it is...)
Amy:crap crap crap!!
(She hastily pours in the milk before beginning to stir the contents of the jug with a spoon. quickly the colour of the custard/milk/sugar/water mix turns to a horrific yellow)
Amy:Er...Ok...
(She adds more water, before stirring faster, desperate for the colour to at least dull a little, instead of being luminous. No custard is luminous)
Amy: This can't be right...no custard is luminous... what's that smell??!!
(the 'custard' is that smell. it smells disgusting. she begins stirring harder and harder, but the colour doesn't dull at all and the smell only grows stronger- if anything her stirring is making it worse)
Amy:MY STIRRING IS MAKING IT WORSE!!
(Her Dad, Pandy, hears all the commotion, and comes into the kitchen)
Pandy: Amy, what are you doin-
Amy:TRYING TO MAKE CUSTARD!!!!!
Pandy: OK, ok, well what's gone wron-...amy, what kind of custard is that?
Amy: The stuff that was in the packet. you know the packet stuff, in the cupboard.
(Amy's father is very confused)
Pandy: The instant stuff, do you mean the instant custard that was in the cupboard?
Amy: Yes!
(Pandy picks up the pack as Amy returns to her stirring)
Pandy: Did you read this?
Amy: Yeah, UH DUHH, of course! it's not that hard to make instant custard, i don't understand why-
Pandy: This isn't instant.
(Amy stops stirring)
Amy: What?
Pandy: Yeah, you're supposed to boil milk, and mix it up over the stove, in a saucepan. I suppose you put boiling water in there?
Amy:(looking despondent) Well, yeah, i mean-
Pandy: Yeah, you weren't supposed to. It says here, very clearly-
Amy: But-
Pandy: "Add-
Amy: I-
Pandy: "HOT-
Amy: Why-
Pandy: Milk."
(shows Amy the packet)
Amy: Oh. (looks at the mess in the jug) well, is it salvageable?
Pandy:(looking in the jug) Yeah, i'm gonna say no.
(Amy mulls this over for half a minute, looking from the packet to the jug and to the packet again)
Amy: So, i've just wasted a packet of custard?
Pandy: Yeah, pretty much. I mean, i'm sure there's more in here... (Pandy goes to cupboard and begins rummaging around) Yeah!! look, here's some- oh, no, that's angel delight.
Amy: God, how old is that? i have had that since i was like 10-
Pandy: (reading the back of the packet) Sell by date is 05/2000.
(Both stand in silence, stunned by the discovery of decade old dessert)
Amy: Well, is there any custard left? Cos i can't have the pudding without it, it's too dry
Pandy: No, sorry. i've gotta go down the shop though, so i'll see if they have any.
Amy: I think i'll try and save this...i think it could work.
(Pandy goes to the shop, and Amy sets about righting her custard wrongs. She pours half a pint of milk into a saucepan, heats it, then adds the fail mixture from the jug into the milk. As she's doing this, Mum comes downstairs)
Mum: Amy, do you wan- OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Amy: I'm baking!!!Look, see it's-
Mum: Oh my god what is that?!?!
Amy: Custard!!
(Mum gives amy a withering look)
Mum: THAT is not custard. did you sieve it?
(Amy looks at Mum blankly, as the milk begins to boil)
Mum: Amy, did you seive i-WATCH OUT IT'S BURNING!
Amy: Oh!! oh crap!!
(The milk is now no longer bubbling, but a strange smell has filled the kitchen and there are lumps floating in the middle of the saucepan)
Amy:There- see? See, Mum, look, it's...it's ok, now i think
Mum: and WHY did you start all this?
Amy: Well, i thought it was instant- (Mum sighs, and then walks out of the kitchen) So i added boiling water to it...Mum? So this isn't good then, no?
(Mum comes back into the kitchen)
Mum: So, did you actually look for more instant custard after you did this?
Amy: YES. (Mum looks blankly at Amy) I DID!!
Mum: Really? you REALLY looked through this cupboard for more custard?
(mum goes out and gets a chair from the living room so she can see on the second shelf)
Amy: Yes, yes I did. And dad looked- dad looked too, he couldn't see ANY, so he said he'd get me some down the shop. Seriously, we looked so hard, we found nothing.
(Pandy comes through the front door, and is holding instant custard.)
Pandy: Here we go!!!
(He places it down on the side- just as mum pulls out a packet of instant custard from the cupboard. The sell by date is definitely within the last decade)
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