Semi-Live Somerfield

Is it just me, or does that title sound like some kind of supermarket soft porn?
Now there's a niche market.

I know I’ve been letting the world of wonderment side down and for this all I can do is apologise profusely. Well, it’s not all I can do but it’s all I can be bothered to do ^^

In order to counteract all the lack of blogness I have resolved to attempt to write a blog on here for every day I’m not writing one for http://georgeandcruden.tumblr.com. That way I can practice my writing and keep up with this bad boy. It’ll be my world on wonderment one year anniversary soon...ish. My word. One whole year of writing twaddle. Brilliant.

Anyhoo, in order to make up for missing so much here is something special- a semi-live blog from within the alternate reality that IS Somerfield. Enjoy. ‘Cos I sure as hell didn’t.

7:22am
I have been awake for 1 hour and 52 minutes. Why? Even though I had the answer to this question I kept asking it. The answer is ‘cos I had to start work at 7:00am, that’s why. Don’t think it’s a good enough answer? Nope, me neither. But eggs is eggs, and Somerfield is rubbish.
7:24am
Beccles looks strange at this time of the day. Kinda Post-Apocalyptic, like the beginning of 28 days later...
7:25am
If I see ANYTHING resembling a zombie, I’m gone. Screw Somerfield.
7:26am
ARGH ZOMBIE!! Oh...no, wait, it’s just an old man on a bike wearing questionably red bike shorts. You can understand my confusion- blood red travelling at a speed it shouldn’t be has zombie written all over it.
7:30am
Jackie just said “I wonder what kind of day it’s gonna be today?” and then my till signed itself off. Oh, if only it were that easy...
7:31am
The shop opened at 7 and so far I have served 2 people. Considering that fact I though the shop opened at 8 that’s more than I was expecting. Then again it’s more than I expected after learning it opened at 7...
7:33am
Ah...I get to experience the delight that is the early morning nutters. They’re ever so sprightly. I’m used to the afternoon ones you see, far more lethargic than these critters. I just had one bloke come in and ask me if the world had ended, to which I replied “Er... in the last half hour? No one’s except mine”. He then paid for something that was worth £5 with £7, even though all I did was take the £2 he gave me and give it back to him. He tipped an imaginary hat to me, walked outside to the other side of the town centre and jumped around a lamppost, blurted out “The World has ended already! We all missed out!!” and then skipped towards the pub. It wasn’t until I saw he was wearing lime green legwarmers that I realised he really was crazy though.
7:38am
Maybe that guy was right. Maybe the world has ended. There are literally NO people here whatsoever
7:41am
I can’t believe I’ve been here 41 minutes. How is that even possible, for time to move that slowly? Then again Somerfield is the Beccles equivalent to Sunnydale’s Hellmouth, and the basic laws of physics don’t apply here. That’s how they’re able to charge £2.50 for a punnet of grapes and call it a ‘Special Offer’
7:44am
My till keeps making me jump every time it signs off. Just to put into perspective how useless me standing here is, the till signs off after it hasn’t been used for like 7 minutes. It’s signed of now on 4 separate occasions. Of its own volition.
7:47am
Somerfield is usually overrun by wasps. At this moment in time there are no wasps. Wanna know why? ‘Cos even they’re not stupid enough to get up this early. Who even shops at 7 in the morning? WHO?!?! I have yet to serve anyone under the age of 35.
7:53am
GASP. An incredibly good looking freckly man has come into the shop. He has good hair (red- duh), nice build, and is quit tall. Oh I hope he buys something!
7:56am a quick look in the mirror bit of the till reveals what I have known all along- I am fugly. However, it’s also revealed something I didn’t know- at this time of the morning I’m 10 times fuglier. STUPID FRINGE BEHAVE!!
7:57am
ARGH HERE HE COMES!!
8:01am
I am a Smitten Kitten. Conversation was HAD, my friends- HAD. I’m already googling ‘wedding dresses’ on my phone. Hahah not really!! (coughs, looks shifty, hides phone). I made him laugh!!
FB (fittie blokey): (smiling) It’s nice to see such a lovely face in here at this time of the day...
Me: (BLUSH BLUSH BLUSH) Well, it’s nice to be paid such a lovely compliment in here at this time of the day...
FB: Oh really? So does it make waking up at...?
Me: 5:30...
FB: (grimaces. Even his grimacing was cute btw) Ouch! Well, does it make waking up at 5:30 worth it?
Me: (smiling)...almost... but I get given compliments like that at all times of the day, so the fact I had to wake up extra early in order to hear yours doesn’t exactly work in your favour, does it?
FB: (laughs loudly) No, not really. Well, how about if I came in here every hour to say something nice to you? Would that help?
Me (thinking) maybe- but you’d have to wait in line like everyone else

8:05am
I played it coooool. Except from blushing like an absolute numpty.
8:06am
Oh wow, over an hour has passed. Joy.
8:20am
An old man just came into the shop and it suddenly came over freezing cold- like I have Goosebumps on my arms and I’m shivering cold. As he came to the kiosk it got colder, and I was shivering whilst packing his bags, and then as soon as he left the shop it was warm again. Like literally as soon as he walked through the doors I was warm again. My hands got that tingly feeling that happens when you go from cold to hot really fast. Its proper freaked me out!! He seemed lovely though, so I don’t mind if we have an old man ghost in Somerfield

8:31am
A woman was just surprised by the fact I was old enough to sell her alcohol. When I told her I was actually 19 her mouth fell open!! She said she had thought I was about 16 years old, and would have to call my supervisor in order to sell it to her. DAMN STUPID ROUNDED FACE. Everyone always goes “ooohhhh, but you’ll appreciate it when you’re about 40 and people think you’re thirty something”. Well, yeah, fair enough- but I’m not 40 now am I?!?! Although apparently I’m not, believably, 19 either, so my age apparently has no agenda whatsoever. I’m such an enigma sometimes.

And that’s when Tilly came and took me off the tills, and I started delivery. VERY busy day today- I’m about to go have a brew with Panders, then watch Ugly Betty and then persuade Fozz and Kage to watch ‘Little Miss Sunshine’

xXx