Jurassic Bath

It’s my first day off in 6 days, and I was looking forward to the lie-in to end all lie-ins. A lie-in of such mahusive proportions people would speak of it in centuries to come, stunned that I managed to stay wrapped away from the world in my lovely, albeit cat-hair-covered, duvet for as long as I did. Well, at least I wanted to make it to 11. I would’ve been happy to wake up at 11. But what time did I wake up? No, wait, let me rephrase that- what time was I woken up by the sound of drills and saws? 8:30 am. EIGHT-THIRTY-AM.

Wanna know why? At the minute we are having our bathroom/ loo completely redone by a builder who is the exact spit of the character Dennis Nedry in Jurassic Park. Like double take worthy. When I opened the door to him on the first day of buildage I instantly looked over his shoulder into his van to see if there was a Dilophosaurus waiting for him. He’d only been here three days when he started scheming;

Builder/Nedry: Er, where’s your electricity meter? I need to just have a look at it quickly
Mum: Oh, it’s just over he- Amy, what are you doing?
(Mum goes to show him where but I pull her to one side)
Me: You can’t mum!
Mum: What are you talking about?
Me: You can’t show him where the power is!
Mum: Why the hell not?!
Me: He’ll switch off the power and all the dinosaurs will get out!! They’ll eat lawyers off our toilet, Richard Attenborough will misplace his grandchildren and we have no Sam Neil Mum- WE HAVE NO SAM NEIL!! Do you really want the death of Samuel L Jackson on your conscience?!?!
(Mum walks away)
Me: FINE! IAN MALCOLM ME, WHY DON'T YOU?!? IGNORE MY WARNINGS!! BUT REMEMBER; LIFE FINDS A WAY MA- LIFE FINDS A WAY!!!

Of course whilst looking for the Dilophosaurus, I didn’t realise then just how lucky we would’ve been had he met a spit-filled and dinosaur themed demise- I do now. You know how you get those people who talk constantly but never actually say anything? Yeah, he’s like the reigning champion of useless chatter. He’s also the slowest builder in the history of slow builders. Also he sings when he’s working- LOUDLY. But not actual singing, he like mutters the words. We don’t like him. Bloody Nedry.

That’s it for now. Sorry I’m not writing much- it’s just nothing much is happening, just Scummerfields. And no one wants to hear about that.

xXx